Entry #1, competing for Turkey:
One day, Hoca ran into a gossipy neighbour, who remarked, "There's a tray of baklava going by."
Hoca snapped, "what do I care?" (or "what's it to me?")
"But I think it's going to your house."
"Well then, what do you care?" (or "what's it to you?")
Entry #2, competing for the UK:
After once writing a post on how to recognise if you’re dating a werewolf, which will also appear on Emi Gayle’s blog July 31st, I realised the wolfie-dating-public would need more help. So … if by chance you worked out you are dating a hairy, growly beast of a dude, you now need to consider that birthday shopping for them might not be the same as shopping for your brother.
First up … What NOT to buy:
- A ‘Sounds of the Forest’ nature CD. Without the other sensory stimulations to accompany the noises and birdly chirps, this will most likely send your wolfie pal on a one way trip to a padded cell.
- A pet cat. Seriously. The feline will leave the poor guy looking like an extra in a badly produced slasher movie.
- Paw print boxers. I mean, come on! You can be more original than that, right? He already has 30 pairs, for goodness sake!
- Any plants that even mildly resemble Wolfsbane (check out the image if you’re unsure). Chances are, just the sight of it will bring him out in a cold sweat.
- Twilight: the movie. Trust me. It’ll just make him mad.
- A dog collar. He won’t appreciate the sentiment. Not unless Dominatrix is the name of his private fetish.
- A kennel to stick in your back garden—for those all important nights he sleeps over. This will majorly offend the poor guy.
- A dog whistle. He’ll think you’re taking the p***.
- A kingsize bottle of Kouros. Or any scent for that matter. Not unless you want to spend the day sprayed by his sneezes. And that could get pretty ugly.
- A year’s supply of Frontline. This would be guaranteed to get you instantly dumped. And, really, who wants to deal with that on his birthday?
Secondly … What’s on the ACCEPTABLE list:
- One of those massage mittens from Petsmart. I’m guessing your guy just luuurves to be stroked.
- A teddy bear. Seriously. But only gift-wrap it after it’s spent a few nights in your bed—with you.
- Blankets. Lots of them. But only of the fleecy variety. The furry dudes just love those fleecy throws.
- A nice juicy steak. Preferable raw. Don’t ask.
- A first aid kit. He will always find mischief that results in scrapes and bruises. And if you haven’t noticed as such, then the two of you ain’t doing the horizontal tango anywhere near as much as you should be. The below gift will most likely help remedy that ….
- Edible underwear. For you to wear. For him to eat. For you to reap the benefits of when it can only go toward fuelling his energy prior to you ending up naked. Trust me: win-win situation.
- A Frisbee. What? I’m not kidding. He’ll love it. Maybe.
- A doughnut maker. ‘Cept you don’t describe it as that. You tell him it makes edible Frisbees. Got it? Then watch the guy pee his pants in excitement … and if he cocks his leg to do so, you know you’ve scored a win for definite.
Entry #3, competing for the USA:
I considered titling this post: "She Weighs the Same as a Duck (Because She's Made of Wood)." But that set the nerd coefficient of this post into the red zone.
However, I still wanted to share one of this weekend's epiphanies:
MARY POPPINS IS A WITCH.
It's obvious, once you look at it from a post-Rowling perspective.
- She flies with an enchanted umbrella.
- She makes the room clean itself.
- Hermione even had a bag like hers, one that held all of her oversized stuff.
And it's obvious that she learned all that at Hogwarts, right?
And Burt's a wizard. Don't tell me that all chimney-sweeps/one-man-bands/street artists can make chalk drawings that people can hang out in for a day.
Why didn't I see it before? I knew she was magical, but... I think it's because Julie Andrews played her as such a Glinda in the movie. I heard that the author of the original book cried at the premiere--they'd ruined her character. So now I have to read the original P.L. Travers book, just to know for sure. If I were still in school, I'd consider writing a term paper comparing/contrasting the magical worlds of Harry Potter and Mary Poppins.
Geez, even the names look similar. I bet this idea haunts you for the rest of the day. I know it will haunt me.
Please vote for your favorite by midnight on Friday, August 3rd.
The next event will be "Best Alternate Ending for a YA Book." Please use the Ganzfield comment form (http://www.site.ganzfield.com/Contact.html) to submit your entries by midnight EDT on Saturday, August 4th, These don't need to be elaborate endings; something like this is fine:
"...and then Buffy burst into the ballet school. James ended up being sliced to pieces with both a sword and sarcastic quips." (Twilight)
Please include your mailing address and national affiliation, if you haven't registered already.