Sunday, October 16, 2011

QUERY CRITIQUE #5: SACRIFICE

Dear Agent?s Name,

Beware of smart quotes and em-dashes from MS Word; they often don't translate through emails very well. 

Dear Agent's Name,

In one horrific night, Ava Shore loses everything. After discovering the truth about her father's death and witnessing the murder of her mother, she sees the government for who they really are--coldblooded killers on a mission to uncover the whereabouts of a powerful blue stone. She flees across The River to The Burbs, a part of the country reserved for the worst criminals, where she joins the most notorious gang in return for their protection.

I've moved the heart of the action to the beginning here, but I'm thrown by this last sentence--the entire government is looking for one stone? I'd think this would be more plausible as a secret police or covert ops kind of thing. It also makes this sound more like a query for a fantasy story than a dystopian one.  

The lights across The River beckon her to return. But Ava knows the mile-wide abyss is one she should never cross. He will get her if she does.

In one horrific night, Ava Shore loses everything. After discovering the truth about her father?s death and witnessing the murder of her mother, she sees the government for who they really are. Coldblooded killers on a mission to uncover the whereabouts of a powerful blue stone.

Ava should have died with her mother. Instead, for reasons unknown, she is spared the same fate. But when she uncovers a plot to assassinate the leader of her country and her attempt to foil it fails, she has no choice but to run for her life. She flees across The River to The Burbs, a part of the country reserved for the worst criminals, where she joins the most notorious gang in return for their protection.

I'd cut the line about how Ava should've died--it comes across like a plot hole. I'm also confused; her mother is killed by the government, but she tries to stop the assassination of its leader? I'd think she'd be on-board with that. 

Surrounded by murder and deceit Ava resists becoming the person everyone thinks she is, ?The Crownkiller?. The simplistic wisdom and love from a gang member assists her in discovering herself and accepting her situation. But when a friend?s life is threatened in an attempt to ensure her capture, Ava sacrifices everything to save him.

Sacrifice is a 96,000 word YA dystopic adventure novel perfect as a standalone but with series potential. A complete copy is available upon request.

"Simplistic" wisdom doesn't sound too compelling.

The lights across The River beckon her to return. But Ava knows the mile-wide abyss is one she should never cross. He will get her if she does.

Surrounded by murder and deceit, Ava resists becoming the person everyone thinks she is, "The Crownkiller." The wisdom and love of a gang member assists her in discovering herself and accepting her situation. But when a friend's life is threatened by an attempt to capture her, Ava sacrifices everything to save him.

Sacrifice is a 96,000 word YA dystopian novel perfect as a standalone but with series potential. A complete copy is available upon request.

I am a twenty five year old, Chemical Engineer by degree who?s found a stronger calling as a fiction writer and classic rock singer. Sacrifice is one of three complete manuscripts I have written, all for the YA market.

I am a Chemical Engineer by degree who's found a stronger calling as a fiction writer and classic rock singer. Sacrifice is one of three complete manuscripts I have written, all for the YA market.

Thank you for your time and consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you. 

3 comments:

Carole Anne Carr said...

Querying, such a difficult thing to get right. The other problem is when I have to add a book blurb.

Deniz Bevan said...

Interesting! The one part I didn't quite understand was the "he will get her if she does" - he who?

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