Wednesday, October 19, 2011

QUERY CRITIQUE #8: TRIANGLE

Dear Ms. Kaynak,

The travel brochure promised an ‘escape from reality’. Her sister promised it would be the best family vacation ever. But when seventeen-year-old Autumn Taylor's ship glides into the Bermuda Triangle, her days become a blur of Twilight Zone episodes—and she's the star of the show.

Great opening hook!

The travel brochure promised an "escape from reality." Her sister promised it would be the best family vacation ever. But when seventeen-year-old Autumn Taylor's ship glides into the Bermuda Triangle, her days become a blur of Twilight Zone episodes—and she's the star of the show.

She speaks to her dead father, fights with a stepbrother she doesn't have, and finds herself stuck in the middle of a heated love triangle with a coworker and his half-brother. Waking up with cancer pushes her to the edge of a mental breakdown, sending her to the ship's doctor for help. Dr. Hardy, the only person so far who knows Autumn isn’t crazy, warns her that any of these alternate lives could become permanent—after all, it happened to her during her own trip through the Triangle. Autumn tries to figure out what’s going on, but everyone on the ship, including her sister, accepts each day as if it were the norm. When Autumn returns to the clinic for more answers, she finds the doctor is not on the ship's registry and never has been.

This sounds both original and compelling, I did find the Dr. Hardy sentence a bit convoluted and confusing, though, and I've tightened up a few other spots.

She speaks to her dead father, fights with a stepbrother she doesn't have, and finds herself in a heated love triangle with a coworker and his half-brother. Waking up with cancer pushes her to the edge of a mental breakdown, sending her to the ship's doctor for help. Dr. Hardy warns her that any of these alternate lives could become permanent—which is what happened to her during her own trip through the Triangle. Autumn struggles to figure out what’s going on, while everyone on the ship, including her sister, accepts each day as if it were the norm. When Autumn returns to the clinic for more answers, she finds the doctor was never on the ship's registry.

Now, with no one to help her, Autumn has a few things to figure out: a way out of the Triangle, why she's the only one who's been affected by the strange occurrences, and why this is happening to her. If she can’t get her real life back on track, she may end up spending the next sixty years trapped in a life she was never meant to live.

Now, with no one to help her, Autumn has a few things to figure out: a way out of the Triangle, why she's the only one who's been affected by the strange occurrences, and why this is happening to her. If she can’t get her real life back on track, she may end up spending the next sixty years trapped in a life she was never meant to live.

TRIANGLES is a 59,000 word young adult urban fantasy. This novel is a standalone with series potential.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

TRIANGLES is a 59,000 word young adult urban fantasy. This novel is a standalone with series potential.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Polished, professional, and compelling. PLEASE send this to Spencer Hill! 

7 comments:

Melinda said...

Yaaaay! Loved this since the first time I read it, and LOVE the author. :) Great with queries. Great writer period.

Kimmy said...

Thank you so much Ms. Kaynak! December 1 is the magic date, right?

And thanks Melinda! You are way too kind!

Deniz Bevan said...

Neat! This sounds like a fun read!

Eliza Tilton said...

of course this awesome story would belong to Kimmy! yay!

Disgruntled Bear (Kate Kaynak) said...

Yes, Kimmy--December 1st. Submission guidelines are at http://www.site.spencerhillpress.com/Submissions.html

lexcade said...

Yay, Kimmy!!!!! This sounds AWESOME!

Keisha Azzalea said...


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