Novel Pitch #7(revised): DEMON VOW

Title:  Demon Vow

Author: Rachel Hert

Genre: YA Fantasy

Word count: 71,000

You’d think taking a blood oath would help you gain something.  All it gave sixteen-year-old Zade was an uncontrollable demon sealed inside his body and a village of people who want him dead.  In return he is bound to protect them and the demon gate hidden nearby from a renegade demon and his army.

Living in the mountains alone doesn’t bother Zade.  The fewer people who come around the safer they are, from him as well as the demonic creatures that search for the gate.  At least it didn’t bother him until Tiani showed up. Irresistibly drawn to her, he watches as she’s attacked by the creatures. He can save her, but to do so means revealing himself to the villagers.  Something he has gone to great lengths to avoid.  As the creatures close in, he saves her, adding a complication to his life he’s always craved for and feared:  People.

As if life wasn’t complicated enough the demon sealed inside begins to break free, and the attacks by the demonic creatures increase.  Unable to hold them off alone Zade must convince the people to trust him before the demon behind all the attacks shows up. He’s getting closer, and if he finds the gate he won’t just destroy the human world, but the demon one as well.

This has a much stronger sense of narrative voice, but you're right; it's not quite there yet.  Watch how you change tenses; try to stay in third-person present, if possible, and avoid using the second-person "you." Rewrite the fragments in the second paragraph and switch up the wording so you don't repeat "save her." I think you need to put some proper names into the third paragraph to clarify which "he" is doing what. 

BOTTOM LINE: this is a HUGE improvement over the first version. If you can smooth out the stylistic issues in the pitch and the manuscript, I'd be interested in seeing a query over at Spencer Hill. 

Thanks for posting your pitches, everyone!  The Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest opens tomorrow, so get your submissions in! 

Speaking of submissions, keep an eye out for an announcement and call for submissions that will go up here at the Disgruntled Bear later this week. 

Novel Pitch #17: BORN TO DIE

Title: Born To Die.
Genre: Science-fiction.
Word Count: 66,000 words.
Author: Stephanie S.

Genetically engineered gladiator Axia was programmed with one motto: kick ass and don’t ask questions. Created to fight in the decadent System’s blood-drenched arenas, she lives one fight at a time. When she wins a freedom she never expected, she discovers her genes were manipulated beyond The System’s rules, making her an illegal specimen. 

Threatened to be eliminated by The System, she flees through the Uncharted Territories. Her choices are limited: remaining a fugitive or facing the past engraved in her genes, even if it means being killed or killing once again.

BORN TO DIE is a 66,000 word science-fiction novel that recently won the 5th GLA Dear Lucky Agent contest. It could well be described as GIRL IN THE ARENA by Lise Haines meets BLADE DANCER by S.L. Viehl. It will appeal to readers who enjoy action-packed adventures featuring a strong female protagonist.


The Good: Great opening hook.  I like the premise, the character, and the action. You had me from "genetically engineered gladiator." 


Suggestions: This is a solid pitch right up to the phrase "It could well be described..." It's fine to include comps in a query, particularly when you pick realistic ones within the proper genre.  My nit-picking is with the phrasing, which is the only passive part of this pitch. The only other aspect that give me pause is the length; 66,000 is short for a sci-fi novel.


BOTTOM LINE: If you haven't found a publishing home for this after ABNA, check out Broad Universe (broaduniverse.org).  Several members are editors at small sci-fi publishers, and they'll want to take a look at this.  

Novel Pitch #16: THE NIGHT

Title: The Night
Author: Amanda Kurka
Genre: YA Epic Fantasy
Word Count: 115,000

Fifteen-year-old Aerael lives an ordinary life, for a world ruled by magic and false gods.

But when the man forcing her into marriage threatens her life, a voice whispers into her mind, saying it can help her, if she'll let it in. With no choice but to allow it control, she opens her mind to it, and the voice chants in the language of magic, seizing upon a power deep within her to eliminate the danger. She runs, knowing that when her would-be suitor awakes, he'll have her executed for illegal magic, if his magicians, the dreaded Varloi, can catch her.

While leaving the city she's known all her life, Aerael runs into a strange being named Siri, who informs her that the power she possesses is something called maijic of the night. A pure, good power, and a gift, it is the opposite of magic, which requires the payment of a soul. Aerael tells Siri that she can take the powers and the controlling voice, as she'd rather have her old life back--but the maijic cannot be returned, and Siri says there should be no voice. Aerael is told to go to Siri's people, where she can learn to use her maijic, if she can get there.

The Varloi learn the peculiar nature of her powers, and are ordered to bring her to the capital for questioning. Assigned to the task is the prince, who terrifies most with his volatile power over fire and harbors a grave secret. So Aerael sets off, accompanied by friends and pursued by the law, and comes to know more about her maijic…and the catastrophic consequences attached. She will either overthrow the corrupt rule of the false gods, or tighten their hold forever.


The Good: I like the premise, and the opening scene that starts the action is compelling.  In fact, I'd fold the first sentence in and start with the action to hook your readers: 
When the man forcing fifteen-year-old Aerael into marriage threatens her life, a voice whispers into her mind. When she opens her mind to it...


Suggestions: I'd like more of a sense of Siri beyond "strange being." Avoid using sentence fragments like "A pure, good power..." and tighten or split up some of the longer sentences. 


I'm a bit confused about the role of the would-be suitor. Is he the king? You say that the Varloi are "his" magicians, and you later mention a prince whom I'm assuming is someone different, but it would be nice to get a bit more of a sense of who's who.  I'd also like to get more of a sense of the Aerael's emotions and motivations, as well as a bit of the narrative voice. She just wants to go home, but she keeps going.  Why? Fear? Anger? Determination? Strong-will? To help others? 


BOTTOM LINE: This has great potential, but I think the pitch needs tightening.  

Novel Pitch #15: DARK VISIONS

Title: Dark Visions
Author: Rachel Hert
Word Count: 99,000

After Aaron failed the Ordeal – the final test to become a magician – he lost everything he ever held dear. 
Abandoned by the people he once thought loved him and clinging to the edge of sanity, twenty-five-year-old Aaron forsakes magic entirely. But when magic begins to fade from the world, his father tracks Aaron down, and forces him to learn to control his gift of foresight. As Aaron’s visions intensify, they reveal a war that will wipe all magic from the planet, including the last living wizard... his grandfather.
Every effort Aaron makes to change the future only leads him closer to the wars that loom on the horizon. Somehow he must find a way to stop them – but that means embracing his birthright, facing a dragon he fears may devour him, and becoming a wizard himself. 

Great. More magic. Just what he didn’t want.


The Good: I remember this one from the query contest, and I like the premise very much. The writing is clear and compelling. 


Suggestions: Bring out more of the narrative voice in this pitch; your last line has a great dash of sarcasm, and I'd like more of that to shine through. Make it clear if this is our world or a separate, high fantasy world (I recall it as a separate world from the query, but it's not clear in this pitch, and you have a great place to put the name "...fade from the world of...").  I'd like a little more of a sense of the downside of Aaron's learning to use his foresight (It's a bad thing because... ?). If there weren't a downside, he wouldn't have to be forced, after all. I'd also bring out the potential consequences of this war; I'm assuming that if the magic is gone, Aaron's family will be, too (not just his grandfather), and hopefully they don't really not love him. I just think that, if he's anti-magic already, there needs to be something worse associated with the coming war.  


Oh, and there's a minor typo: you don't need the comma in "down, and forces."


BOTTOM LINE: I'm intrigued by the premise and the difficulties in dealing with the downside of knowing the future but not being able to change it. I'd like to have more of the narrative voice and the character's motivations come through to really sell this.  

Novel Pitch #14: POINT OF OBLIVION

Title: POINT OF OBLIVION
Author Name: Jordan Mierek
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 75,000

Seventeen-year-old Lock becomes the Record Keeper’s assistant when Archer, her best friend and secret crush, invites her to the Realm, a parallel universe. The Record Keeper must use the Pen of Truth, a magical stylus that, when pressed to paper, automatically writes the major events happening in the Realm.

Sick of living with a cruel uncle since her parents died, Lock is thrilled by the new life the Realm offers - the joy quickly fades when Lock discovers how the natives suffer beneath the heartless hand of the Usurper King. While Archer tries to help the natives rebuild their overtaxed homes, Lock uses the Pen of Truth, shocked at the dark truths revealed. The King is actually her uncle and her parents are not dead, but trapped by him so they cannot claim the throne. Furious with Lock when she tries to free her parents, the king kidnaps Archer. To save her family and Archer, Lock must follow the Pen’s cryptic plan to find the Realm’s lost heir and stage a rebellion, even though it means assassinating her uncle and sacrificing her love for Archer by joining the prince.

The Good: I like the twists of this plot; it hints at some difficult choices that Lock will have to make. Play up the relationships and the conflicts more, since I think these might be the heart of the story. 

Suggestions: Watch overusing adjectives, especially when they read like clichés (e.g., "cruel uncle" and "overtaxed homes"). I'm still a little cold on how the premise of the parallel world comes in; I'd like a little more of the magic expressed here (Portal? Spellcasting? What's involved in the process?), rather than simply receiving an invitation. I'd also like more of a sense of connection between Lock and Archer. Does he know she's part of that world? Give us a little sense of what the Realm is like--what's the ONE thing that a person from our world would notice as the biggest difference? 

I'm also a bit confused by the whole parent-and-prince scenario in the second paragraph.  I figured that, if her parents had a claim on the throne, then SHE would be the lost heir. 

One more thing--play down the "magic pen" aspect of the story. Writers have been telling versions of this one in many forms, and it's a hard sell unless it has a very unique twist (e.g., Inkheart). 

BOTTOM LINE: I'm intrigued by the story, but this needs tightening and some changes in emphasis. 

Novel Pitch #13: WICKED GAME

Title: Wicked Game
Author: Chris Fielden
Genre: Thriller
Word Count: 70,000

Thirteen years ago, Jack Fox tried to exit the criminal organisation he worked for. Leaving proved impossible. He was framed for murder and imprisoned.
On the day he is released from prison, Jack is drawn back to Moonlight Alley to face his past. Men in balaclavas are waiting in the shadows. They attack, knocking Jack senseless.
Waking in a derelict warehouse, Jack finds he is a hostage at the mercy of terrorists. He isn’t alone. Six other people share his predicament. The terrorists swear to kill one hostage each day until the government meet their demands.
Every night a hostage is escorted from the warehouse. The lights are turned off before the silence is broken by the loud crack of a single gunshot. Jack finds the stress of the situation makes his temper increasingly hard to control.
One of the other hostages behaves in a lecherous manner towards the female captives. Jack develops a hatred for this man. In a rage, Jack kills the other hostage, breaks out of the warehouse and finds himself in a television studio. He has unknowingly been a contestant in a reality TV game show. None of the contestants are dead, apart from the man Jack killed.
Jack is taken back into police custody. As he is escorted from the TV studio a gunfight erupts. Jack is abducted by the criminal organisation he used to work for. They are planning to detonate a nuclear device in London and intend to frame Jack. 
Fighting to control his aggression, Jack escapes and helps police capture the criminal organisation’s leader. The terrorist plot is thwarted. Rather than going to jail, Jack is offered a job working undercover for the police. He accepts, hoping to change his life for the better.


The Good: I didn't see the reality show twist coming. 


Suggestions: This reads more like a synopsis... or a book report. Instead of giving a blow-by-blow of the plot, start with a single hook that will pull in the reader. 


When Jack Fox wakes up with guns pointed at his head, he fights back and kills. Too bad he was just on a reality show.  


A good pitch or query reads like jacket copy. Look at the back of other books in your genre for inspiration. When you revise this, give a quick sense of the setting and the character, as well as the twist or conflict.  You've got the third one here--the reality show twist--but it doesn't come out until the second half of the pitch.  


BOTTOM LINE: This isn't a compelling pitch, since it contains too much of a and-then-this-happens sense. I suggest that you revise to bring out the essential aspects--character, premise, conflict, etc.--that will grab the reader. 

Novel Pitch #12: OUT OF THE WATER

Title: Out of the Water
Author: Deniz Bevan
Genre: Historical romance, set in 1492
Word Count: 100,000


Exiled from her Spanish homeland by the Inquisition and separated from her family as they flee their home, 18 year old Rosa must place her life in the hands of a stranger from the Ottoman Empire. Baha, estranged from his own father and returning to his homeland after ten years, is her one hope of reaching Constantinople and reuniting with her family. The fact that he's attractive and tender is an unexpected pleasure.


As they travel together, her burning drive to be reunited with her loved ones is matched by a deepening desire for the man at her side -- but all too soon they may run out of time to be together. Rosa's family will likely not accept her marriage to a man of different faith, let alone one who has been renounced by his family. Yet before she can even introduce them, their reunion is cut short by the arrest of her father and brother at the hands of the Sultan's Grand Vizier. Rosa and Baha are the only ones that can rescue them, and together prove that their love can withstand their differences.


The Good: I'm drawn in by the historical setting and the sense of danger in this. The opening is strong, and I want to read more. 


Suggestions: Spell out her age, rather than using the digits, and use "who" instead of "that" when referring to people ("...who can rescue them"). I get the sense that this is a relatively clean romance; if it has steamy scenes, give a sense of that with a line of "what his touch on her skin does to her" or something, just so the reader can place the book in the right sub-genre. That's about it. Seriously, I'm reading through it again, looking for something else to mention as a flaw. 


Nope--I got nothing. This is a HUGE improvement from the first version you posted. 


BOTTOM LINE: Very, VERY marketable! Well done, Deniz! 

Novel Pitch #11: CAGES

Title: Cages
Genre: Adult Fiction
Word Count: 88,000

“Childhood, like history, is immortal. And memories, even unconscious ones, follow us like shadows.” 

-Character of Diego Rivera, in Cages


Eighteen-year-old SABINE likes her life just the way it is—bohemian, simple, and relaxed—until the night she decides to steal someone else’s mail. This first reckless act turns Sabine’s life on its head and leads her to a bricked-off chamber where secrets are buried.


An uncovered manuscript opens in 1937 Spain on the eve of Hitler’s bombing of Guernica. In a schoolyard at recess two children are being bullied into an early marriage. Then the bombs drop.


Decades later four-year-old Sabine is left without her mother in a Paris artist salon amidst a dizzying array of eccentrics. Those who surround her all live in the same neighborhood where famous artists like Picasso and Rivera once lived. Although the modern characters are all hiding something, or from something, and each is searching, they come together in hopes that by helping Sabine find her mother they might recover some of their own personal losses.


Sabine wonders if the key to her mother’s disappearance could still be lying in the ruins of a bombed schoolyard in Guernica?


Cages is a mystery, a trio of interwoven tales that blend history with fiction, but, above all, it is an affirmation of the power of compassion to heal the wounds of war, bullying and other forms of stolen innocence. If childhood events have ever haunted you, this novel will challenge you to take another look at those wounds—and cages—and to start opening doors.

The Good: The opening line (after the quote) has a nice hook and sets up the premise well. I like the revised version much better; it reads more smoothly. 

Suggestions: I'm not a big fan of opening with a quote, so my first thought would be to cut it. If you keep it, though, I'd remove the citation. I'd also keep standard punctuation for your MC's name; with the all caps, I was wondering if it was an acronym for something. I recommend putting the name CAGES in all caps, though, since the italic formatting doesn't always transfer across email providers. 


I'm glad you revised, since some parts of the first version confused me.  This is much clearer and provides more of a sense of the narrative voice and what the three intertwining stories are. I suggest avoiding passive voice whenever possible, and I recommend that you stay in third person (i.e., lose all uses of "you" and "us"). In addition, I have a few problems with specific words, such as "two children" (I'd say "two teenagers" or "two sixteen-year-olds" or something to give a sense of exactly how inappropriate the pressure is). Watch the overuse of cliches (life on its head, etc.), and make sure you do more showing than telling (the phrase "reckless act" bothered me, for example). You caught many of the issues I had with the first version, including that manuscripts can be "dropped" or "closed" but they don't really "slam," and you cut the profanity from the query, which was another good move. 


The standalone sentence about "Sabine wonders..." gave me two issues: first, it should have a period, not a question mark, and having characters "wonder" or "feel" or "think" slows the writing and distances the reader from the action.  Consider: 


The key to Sabine's mother's disappearance might lie in the ruins of a bombed schoolyard in Guernica. 

BOTTOM LINE: VERY compelling premise, and the revised version lets that shine through, although it still needs some polishing. The complex plot, the intertwining stories, the emotional punch of loss and pain--as I'm reading through it, I have the thought, "If she's really done this well--if she's nailed it--this could be a masterpiece." 

Novel Pitch #10: ANGELINA'S SECRET

Title: Angelina's Secret
Author Name: Lisa Rogers
Genre: YA
Word Count: 60,000


As a child, Angelina spent years in counseling learning that Josie, her imaginary friend, wasn’t real. Now at age seventeen she discovers her childhood friend wasn’t imaginary after all. 

As if trying to lead her cheerleading squad to a state championship, breaking up with a boyfriend, and watching her brother move away to college, isn’t enough to deal with, now Angelina has to accept she’s either (A) crazy or (B) able to see ghosts. Wanting to believe in her sanity, she chooses (B) and welcomes Josie back into her life. With Josie’s return, Angelina learns to understand her ability, but even Josie can't help her deal with Shelly, the spirit of a confused teenager. 

Unknown to Angelina, Shelly, intent on having her day in the spotlight, influences her as she tries to choreograph a cheer routine for the state finals. When Angelina can’t explain how she came to know the unrevealed routine of a dead cheerleader, things go very wrong and she finds herself admitted into a psychiatric hospital for evaluation.

Discovering her gift isn’t as unusual as she once thought, Angelina knows she can spend the rest of her life pretending to be someone she isn’t or she can embrace who she is and take a chance that she may never get to go home. 

ANGELINA'S SECRET, a novel for young adults, addresses the pressures of surviving high school while learning to accept who you are.

First off, please accept my apologies for the delay in posting, Lisa!  The computer issues I had are now pretty much resolved, and I'm back home again after a crazy-full weekend in Boston at Arisia. 

The Good: GREAT opening hook! My editor-spidey sense started to tingle with this one. This lays out the characters, the setting, and the conflict clearly and compellingly. 

Suggestions: there's a misplaced comma in the second paragraph (college, isn't), but the rest of this reads like jacket copy. The only thing I'd suggest as a change is to refine your genre identification to "YA paranormal." 

BOTTOM LINE:  If you'd sent this to Spencer Hill (www.spencerhillpress.com), I'd have asked for the full manuscript (hint, hint). 'Nuff said. 

Novel Pitch #9: THE CANDLE DARK WICKED

Title: THE CANDLE DARK WICKED
Autor: DMcWild
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 85,000

With her Grandma card counting in Vegas, sixteen-year-old Teagan returns from visiting her twin sister Ryanne in the hospital with a key she hopes will unlock a mystery surrounding Grandma’s study. Inside the forbidden room, moth eaten ventriloquist puppets with only half their faces still painted on teleport Teagan to the Island of Candleflora--where the not so dumb dummies come alive. Chased by puppet Trolls dressed in cheap fur coats, but expensive Donald Trump wigs, her rescue’s aided by Thomas, protector of the Candle Light Realm who recognizes Teagan as his sovereign princess. Teagan’s shocked because his Queen happens to be Grandma and she’s not playing blackjack, she’s on a torturer’s rack, courtesy of the Candle Dark Empire and their Princess--Ryanne, who nine years earlier Teagan found in Grandma’s study--comatose with a puppet on her hand.

The sibling’s armies go to war, wearing magical puppets called hand guides which allow them to transform into different animals, warriors and fantasy creatures. Ryanne steals Grandma’s secret hand guide depository of WMDs (Wickedly Massive Dragons), shifting the balance of power. The situation turns desperate when Teagan discovers their common enemy, the cannibalistic Bone Cutters, are planning to attack. Now to save Grandma from biting into an apple and being presented on good bone china, Teagan needs to unite Candleflora. She must either surrender her throne to Ryanne--or visit the sleeping beauty at her bedside for a lights out winner take all pillow fight.

The Good: This has a quality that reminds me of Terry Prachett's or Robert Lynn Asprin's books. There's a steady niche market for YA fantasy, and many of the publishers accept unagented submissions. I remember this pitch from the query contest, and this version gives a very different sense of the story--the narrative voice comes through much better in this one. 


Suggestions: The pitch has a few rough spots: for example, the last sentence needs a bit more punctuation.  I also don't like when someone TELLS me the character's reaction, like where this says "Teagan's shocked." SHOW me how she feels with a physical reaction (jaw-dropping, etc.), or leave it out entirely. I think the aspect of Ryanne being in the hospital (long-term care facility?) AND on the island confused me a bit, since Teagan "teleports." Is she there in spirit while her body is in our world? That's the assumption I made, given the situation with Ryanne and the pillow-smothering allusion, but it needs a touch of clarification. 

Novel Pitch #8: LETTERS TO MY MOTHER

Title: Letters To My Mother
Author: Rebecca Heath
Genre: Romance
Word Count: 99,800

“You know, I never eat young ladies on Fridays. Only on Tuesdays.”
I couldn’t help laughing. “Do I look that apprehensive?”
“Yes, rather.” He opened the door for me. “But I have just the cure for you. It’s David Rosenau’s patented shyness remedy, strawberry shortcake garnished with whipped cream, to be taken at least once weekly in charming company. Doctor’s orders.”

Kate is a college junior, a gifted student who skipped two grades in school, a naval officer's daughter who's lived in more places than she can remember. Shy and bookish, she's never had a boyfriend, let alone been kissed or gone on a date. Kate thinks falling in love is something that only happens to other girls.

David is a college professor, a sailor, a renowned biochemist who’s trapped in a failed marriage; aloof and reclusive, he buries himself in teaching and research. David's convinced he'll go through life with an empty heart.

When Kate gets a campus job as David's typist, they discover they're both mistaken. 

Set in 1950s Seattle, Letters To My Mother is a May-December romance novel.


The Good: Romance never goes out of style, and the May-December aspect and the time setting add unique twists that make this stand out.  


Suggestions: Starting with a quote from the dialogue is risky; some people may love it, but others may not. Personally, I think that it's a good taste of your style, but it's not a strong enough hook for your opening. Also, the romance genre has a wide range, from chaste/Christian stories to things that cross the border into erotica. Give your reader more of a sense of where this falls. I've got to admit, I read the opening line as a racy double-entendre that didn't get backed up by the rest of the pitch.  


BOTTOM LINE: I don't see this as a good fit for ABNA, but I think it sounds VERY publishable. I suspect you'll be able to land an agent or a contract with a romance imprint with this if the MS has the same level of quality. 

Novel Pitch #7: THE DEMON VOW

Title: The Demon Vow
Author: Rachel Hert
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 71,000

The demon within sixteen-year-old Zade was meant to merge with his human half and become one. But when his training goes terribly wrong and he accidentally kills his master it leaves him utterly alone, and his two halves fighting for control.
Riddled with guilt, Zade takes up his masters duties: Protecting the Hindori and the demon gate from Vrieg, the worst demonic criminal in history.
As the battles with Vrieg’s armies intensify Zade finds his hold on the demon within slipping. Terrified it will break free and kill everyone, Zade trains his two best friends to harness their energy and use it. At least if the demon gets loose the Hindori will have a chance. That is if they can keep Vrieg away from the demon gate, because if he gets to that not a soul on either side will survive.


The Good: I like the idea of a human-demon hybrid fighting for control of a shared body, and you've got a good premise for the action in this book. The hook comes in the second line, and I'm intrigued by it. 


Suggestions: The writing is a bit rough. You have some misplaced punctuation throughout, including a misplaced comma in the opening paragraph and a missing apostrophe in "master's duties."  Style problems will kill a pitch's chances with a contest, agent, or publisher no matter how good the story is. There are a bunch of great style guides out there, but the one that's actually a pleasure to read is Eats, Shoots, and Leaves. 



I'm also unsatisfied with the label "criminal" for Vrieg--if he has armies, he's more than just a criminal. I'm a bit confused about Zade's friend's "energy," as well. Is there some way to make this more concrete? Do they have demons, or psychic powers, or something else? Is there a way to bring this information out that either gives a sense of the narrative voice, the characters, or the relationships? 


BOTTOM LINE: I like the story's premise, but polish this up before submitting it. 

Novel Pitch #6: FRACTURED

When seventeen-year-old Meredith’s father dies, it feels like a part of her is buried with him. Forever. Then she meets Kaden. They spend hours together, talking, laughing, even enjoying the silence that can accompany holding hands or a gentle kiss. He makes sure she eats, gets enough sleep and smiles at least once a day. Meredith begins to share memories of her dad with him.

Sometimes, though, he is not the same Kaden. He snaps because she’s late. He's pushed and shaken her. He's even struck her. She wants to hold onto him, and doesn’t want to fall back into the darkness that gripped her after her Dad died. She tries to tell herself that the abuse is worth the hope he brings, fearing that if she leaves Kaden everything will fall apart again. 

FRACTURED is a 58,000-word contemporary YA novel. It will appeal to readers of Cupala’s Tell me a Secret and Dessen’s Dreamland.


The Good: I've got this MS queued up in my TBR file, and I'm looking forward to digging into it. I think the premise has a compelling realism, and this version of the pitch highlights a different side of the story.  


Suggestions: The opening needs more of a hook, and the MS is a bit on the short side at 58,000 words, although that's not far short of the 60,000 minimum standard for YA. but other than that, I think it sounds like a book Oprah would champion. 

Novel Pitch #5: DUALITY

Duality
Author: Catherine Peace
Genre: Science Fiction
Word Count: 113,000

Subject 31, the Humani Project’s latest experiment believes she’s human, but after seeing her sleek black fur, claws, and tail, she’s not so sure. Her only clue to an existence before panther DNA was spliced to hers is a fragment of a memory and a name—Janelle.

According to the scientists, she's the perfect blend of human and animal. Most importantly, she can still speak, making her the lab's most successful Humani to date. 

Imprisoned in the Phoenix, Arizona lab, 31 must complete the grueling, and sometimes deadly, physical assessments administered by resident asshole Dr. Frederick James. Her failure means immediate termination. To survive, she must tame the wild animal that wants to take over—only she has no idea how. That ability wasn’t coded in her new DNA.

When she fails an assessment, death looms in the form of the lab-made creature she was supposed to kill. She’s surprised that the project's founder breaks his own protocol to save her without hesitation. When he calls her “Janelle,” 31 understands that somehow the scientists have erased the existence of someone they knew. Someone who deserves to understand her fate.

The closer she gets to piecing together her past, the harder she has to fight to stay alive. Buried in her past is knowledge that could bring the Project to its knees, and Dr. James will do anything to protect the Project, even if it means killing its greatest success.


The Good: I remember Duality from the query contest, and I thought it was a fascinating premise. This seems a unique and very interesting book. 


Suggestions: I think the wording of this pitch could be tighter. I'd cut "Subject 31" from the first line and put "Subject 31's only clue..." at the start of the second sentence. That would let the first line simply act as a hook. I'm on the fence as to the "resident a--hole" line, since it give a nice sense of narrative voice, but the profanity might raise a few hackles in a pitch contest.  The last line in the third paragraph about "That ability..." could be cut without losing any meaning, and I'd em-dash the "Someone who deserves..." line at the end of the fourth paragraph onto the end of the previous sentence to avoid the sentence fragment.  The last paragraph reads like jacket copy, which is exactly what will sell this.  


BOTTOM LINE: Tighten this pitch up and let the plot, premise, and characters shine through. Once people get a sense of it, I think this is a book we'll see published. Have you checked out Broad Universe? You might find a publishing home for Duality through one of the small presses involved with them.  

Novel Pitch #4: GHOST CRAB

Title:  GHOST CRAB
Author Name: R. King Kollman
Genre: Thriller
Word Count: 100,000

Latina lawyer Gianne Noble's specialty is high-profile murder, not missing persons. But she can't say no when the wife of the marine biologist who berths his boat in the slip next to hers begs for help. Gianne learns he disappeared the day the Deep Blue Rig blew, killed ten men, and spewed the second largest environmental catastrophe ever across the Gulf of Mexico. Yet he isn't listed among the dead. His wife and children get no insurance, no benefits, no answers.      

Through the biologist's computer records, Gianne discovers that his life's work was studying the effects of the largest oil spill in the Gulf, twenty years before. That first disaster was an accident, but the scientist believed it cascaded into the extinction of a species of crab critical to the Gulf ecosystem. When he tried to convince anyone who would listen that the way drilling platforms are run needed to change to prevent another inevitable spill, no one paid any attention, and he only made himself an unwelcome crank everywhere he went. So to prove the biologist died on the rig and get needed benefits to his family, Gianne first must untangle an identity creation, not an identity theft, a complex alter ego the biologist fabricated to gain access to the rig to complete his data. Then she has to figure out which role he was playing when he died--scientist, ecoterrorist, or murder victim--before she disappears into the middle of the deep blue Gulf herself. And it will be no accident.    

The Good: The plot is compelling and reminds me of Grisham--which is a good thing. The environmental disaster aspect also will get interest, given recent events.

Suggestions: I'm not sure that the "boat neighbor" link is compelling enough to make the pitch, and I don't think Gianne's ethnicity is relevant (I'd be turned off by "female lawyer" as a descriptor, too).   "No insurance" and "no benefits" seem redundant--perhaps change one of them to "no closure?" 


As for the second paragraph, there's a lot of extra information in there.  It's GREAT in a plot, but TMI for a pitch.  Boil down the first half to the meat: the biologist studied eco-disasters; he predicted something like the blow-up on the Deep Blue, and his advocacy for changes made him some powerful enemies. I wouldn't make an issue of the distinction between identity theft and identity creation in the pitch, but play up the fact that the biologist infiltrated the rig under an assumed identity. I like the "no accident" hook for the end, but I'd suggest slightly different wording to make give a sense of uncertainty, such as, "...and it might not be an accident." 


This isn't my genre so I'm not any kind of expert, but my impression of this was simply of a compelling plot.  I didn't get much of a sense of the characters or the narrative voice from this pitch.


BOTTOM LINE: Play the danger/cover-up/corruption/false identity/ecoterrorism aspects up. If you have strong character development and/or narrative voice that didn't come through here, try to bring a sense of them out in revisions.

Novel Pitch #3: THE GLIMPSE

Title The Glimpse
Author Name Claire Vinson Merle
Genre YA dystopia
Word Count 89,000 words

Seventeen-year-old Ana Barber’s geneticist father faked her DNA tests to get her into The Community—a safe haven from all the crazies in the city. Ana is really a sleeper, which means one day she’ll go psycho, or schizo, or probably just suicidal like her Mum. Now the authorities know the truth, and the only thing standing between her and banishment to the city is her romance with Jasper Taurell. Jasper, a rich boy from an influential Community family, wants to Join with her despite her genetic defects. When the media elevates the pair to a modern day Romeo and Juliet, star-crossed lovers battling against the rules to let True Love run its course, the authorities end up bending to public pressure. Ana is allowed to remain in the Community on one condition: she and Jasper must be Joined before her eighteenth birthday. It's more than she could have hoped for. Things are looking up for once, but then four weeks before their Joining, Jasper is abducted.

Ana sneaks out of her well-guarded Community to find him. In the city, nothing is what it seems. She discovers her fiancé hasn’t been abducted by crazies. The authorities have incarcerated him in a psychiatric dump for attempting to prove there's nothing genetically messed up with any of the country's population. Determined to get to the truth, she has herself committed alongside Jasper. But thanks to his electric shock therapy, he barely remembers her, and the psychs turn out to be more wacko than the patients. Trapped in the loony dump, exile is looking rather preferable to what the doctors have planned. She must find a way to fight back and expose the truth, before they drive her crazy—for real.

The Good: First off, YA dystopian is hot right now, so just the genre will garner attention.  The premise is excellent, both frightening and believable (and I say that as someone with a background in psych). The romance sounds compelling, the twist works, and the last line leaves the reader hungry for more. 

Suggestions: Tighten up your wording a bit, cutting phrases like "things are looking up for once."  All the capitalized words like Join and True Love stand out a bit too much, in my opinion.  Since "Join" is your book's word for marriage, I think it would be okay just to change True Love to lowercase.  I read through this a second time and realized that, although Ana is in a romance, you don't bring her feelings into this. In fact, the phrase "determined to get to the truth" makes it sound like she's going undercover as a reporter into the asylum rather than trying to rescue the man she loves. If this is intentional, don't change it, but if she really does love Jasper, I'd play up the emotional side a bit more. 

BOTTOM LINE: Another strong pitch!  

Happy Weekend, everyone! 

Novel Pitch #2: TRIAL OF THE HEART

Title: Trial of the Heart
Author Name: Erin
Genre: Women's Fiction
Word Count: 86,000

Emily Hennas despises the split-second of gratitude she felt for the drunk who stole the lives of her two oldest children. Because he also killed her scum-sucking bastard of a husband.

Her surviving son deserves a mother who'll stand up for him. And herself. A single finger salute to her dead spouse, and she resurrects the career he forbade. She tackles single motherhood with the devotion of an answered prayer. Not lacking complications, she risks love with a new man who’s dedicated to redefining her perception of relationships, one barrier at a time. Until--the drunk driver wants her support for a plea bargain that will allow him to stay home while he dies from cancer.

He can go to hell. Emily relishes the thought of sending him. While at the same time, she can’t help wondering if she doesn’t belong there as well, because the killer of her children was also her savior—that’s damn hard to live with. Even harder to forgive. Until Emily finds closure, she has no hope of moving on. But the hardest person to forgive just might be herself.

The Good: Ooh... this pitch promises a book of great emotional intensity. The raw power comes through well, and we get a good sense of the premise and the narrative voice. This is a revised version of the one posted a couple of days ago, but both versions have the same, I'm-going-to-punch-you-in-the-gut presence that makes me think of an Oprah Book Club pick.

Suggestions: The sentence fragments grab my attention, and, while they work well with the narrative voice, consider making them complete sentences (see the comment about frustrated English majors in yesterday's post). I don't think the em-dash is appropriate at the end of the second paragraph; it's either an ellipse or punctuation-free (and converted into a complete sentence).

Bottom line: Another strong pitch that I think needs only cosmetic changes to have a great chance in ABNA. 

Breakthrough Novel Pitch

Start polishing those unpublished manuscripts, because the 2011 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest will open on January 24th!  Check out the details here: http://www.amazon.com/abna.

The first stage requires a 300 word pitch, and we all know how hard it is to capture the essence of a 60,000-100,000 word novel in a few sentences.  So, here's what we can do:

Post your sample pitch as a comment to this post.  It needs to include the title, the genre, the word count, and a pitch that's 300 words or less (don't count the title and genre, etc. in your word count). You can include your name or submit anonymously. Between now and the 23rd, I'll post the first 20* I receive and we'll comment, critique and otherwise help you make it sparkle. 

* sorry to cap it, but I went nuts trying to keep up during the Great Query Contest last fall. 

Let the pitching begin!

Title
Author Name (optional) 
Genre
Word Count
Pitch (300 words or fewer)