Friday, January 21, 2011

Novel Pitch #14: POINT OF OBLIVION

Author Name: Jordan Mierek
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 75,000

Seventeen-year-old Lock becomes the Record Keeper’s assistant when Archer, her best friend and secret crush, invites her to the Realm, a parallel universe. The Record Keeper must use the Pen of Truth, a magical stylus that, when pressed to paper, automatically writes the major events happening in the Realm.

Sick of living with a cruel uncle since her parents died, Lock is thrilled by the new life the Realm offers - the joy quickly fades when Lock discovers how the natives suffer beneath the heartless hand of the Usurper King. While Archer tries to help the natives rebuild their overtaxed homes, Lock uses the Pen of Truth, shocked at the dark truths revealed. The King is actually her uncle and her parents are not dead, but trapped by him so they cannot claim the throne. Furious with Lock when she tries to free her parents, the king kidnaps Archer. To save her family and Archer, Lock must follow the Pen’s cryptic plan to find the Realm’s lost heir and stage a rebellion, even though it means assassinating her uncle and sacrificing her love for Archer by joining the prince.

The Good: I like the twists of this plot; it hints at some difficult choices that Lock will have to make. Play up the relationships and the conflicts more, since I think these might be the heart of the story. 

Suggestions: Watch overusing adjectives, especially when they read like clich├ęs (e.g., "cruel uncle" and "overtaxed homes"). I'm still a little cold on how the premise of the parallel world comes in; I'd like a little more of the magic expressed here (Portal? Spellcasting? What's involved in the process?), rather than simply receiving an invitation. I'd also like more of a sense of connection between Lock and Archer. Does he know she's part of that world? Give us a little sense of what the Realm is like--what's the ONE thing that a person from our world would notice as the biggest difference? 

I'm also a bit confused by the whole parent-and-prince scenario in the second paragraph.  I figured that, if her parents had a claim on the throne, then SHE would be the lost heir. 

One more thing--play down the "magic pen" aspect of the story. Writers have been telling versions of this one in many forms, and it's a hard sell unless it has a very unique twist (e.g., Inkheart). 

BOTTOM LINE: I'm intrigued by the story, but this needs tightening and some changes in emphasis. 


Deniz Bevan said...

I have to agree with Kate's comments, though the story does sound interesting, especially the part where she might have to forsake Archer and be with the prince in order to save the others.

By the way, Kate, just gave you an award!

Jori said...

Thanks! I feel like I can really polish this now.

Keisha Azzalea said...

Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)

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