Novel Pitch #15: DARK VISIONS

Title: Dark Visions
Author: Rachel Hert
Word Count: 99,000

After Aaron failed the Ordeal – the final test to become a magician – he lost everything he ever held dear. 
Abandoned by the people he once thought loved him and clinging to the edge of sanity, twenty-five-year-old Aaron forsakes magic entirely. But when magic begins to fade from the world, his father tracks Aaron down, and forces him to learn to control his gift of foresight. As Aaron’s visions intensify, they reveal a war that will wipe all magic from the planet, including the last living wizard... his grandfather.
Every effort Aaron makes to change the future only leads him closer to the wars that loom on the horizon. Somehow he must find a way to stop them – but that means embracing his birthright, facing a dragon he fears may devour him, and becoming a wizard himself. 

Great. More magic. Just what he didn’t want.


The Good: I remember this one from the query contest, and I like the premise very much. The writing is clear and compelling. 


Suggestions: Bring out more of the narrative voice in this pitch; your last line has a great dash of sarcasm, and I'd like more of that to shine through. Make it clear if this is our world or a separate, high fantasy world (I recall it as a separate world from the query, but it's not clear in this pitch, and you have a great place to put the name "...fade from the world of...").  I'd like a little more of a sense of the downside of Aaron's learning to use his foresight (It's a bad thing because... ?). If there weren't a downside, he wouldn't have to be forced, after all. I'd also bring out the potential consequences of this war; I'm assuming that if the magic is gone, Aaron's family will be, too (not just his grandfather), and hopefully they don't really not love him. I just think that, if he's anti-magic already, there needs to be something worse associated with the coming war.  


Oh, and there's a minor typo: you don't need the comma in "down, and forces."


BOTTOM LINE: I'm intrigued by the premise and the difficulties in dealing with the downside of knowing the future but not being able to change it. I'd like to have more of the narrative voice and the character's motivations come through to really sell this.