Sunday, October 17, 2010

Query Critique #12

Query #12 - kdos

Dear Ms. Agent, 

Kate Dalton always thought Jake Bailey was her boomerang love – the person who was meant to be because they came back when you set them free. So what if he left and came back over and over again? Kate knew one day the timing would be right and they would be together.
I like the way this sets up the dynamic between Kate and Jake. I have a few word choice suggestions to keep it in third person and avoid rhetorical questions. Normally queries are in simple present tense, but this one might work better in simple past, since you're weaving two timelines. It's a tough call, though--should you put it all in past or all in present--or one of each?
Kate Dalton always thought Jake Bailey was her boomerang love--the person she was meant to be with because he came back when she set him free. So even though he left and returned over and over again, Kate knew one day the timing would be right and they would be together.

Although she’d had a lot of practice at saying goodbye to Jake in the past, this time was different. As she watches Jake fight for his life, she faces letting him go forever. And not just because he might not make it, but because she’s trying to reconcile the love she’s always felt for him with the nagging questions about why they can’t ever seem to make their relationship work.
I want more info here about Jake's fight for life. Does he have an illness like cancer?  Has he been in an accident? I recommend giving a word or two to let the reader know--it helps connect us to the story. I've also put this into present tense.
Although she’s had a lot of practice at saying goodbye to Jake in the past, this time is different. As she watches Jake fight for his life, she faces letting him go forever. And not just because he might not make it, but because she’s trying to reconcile the love she’s always felt for him with the nagging questions about why they can’t ever seem to make their relationship work.

A dual narrative follows Kate as she meets and falls in love with Jake eight years prior and goes through the frustration of all their starts and stops. As the storylines merge, Kate is confronted with choosing between Jake and Charlie Tucker, her childhood best friend. When Charlie moves back to town and surprises her with a kiss one night, her schoolgirl crush on him comes flooding back to the surface. Instead of being excited at the prospect of moving on, however, Kate is terrified that letting Charlie into her life means leaving Jake behind forever.
This is a challenge--often the mix of past and present don't work.  However, if you've pulled it off, it could be FANTASTIC. I suspect that agents will ask for pages with an eye for whether you make this dual narrative work. I wouldn't change a word of this paragraph.

BACK TO ME is women’s fiction and is completed at 80,000 words.
"Is complete" is how it's usually phrased. 
BACK TO ME is women’s fiction and is complete at 80,000 words.

I lead a double-life as an attorney and sports analyst. My nonfiction book, Balancing Baseball: How Collective Bargaining Has Changed the Major Leagues is due out with noted sports publisher McFarland & Company in early 2011. I also write for Forbes in their SportsMoney section, and have been published by a leading national legal journal, an online magazine and a number of news outlets and blogs for my work on collective bargaining and other legal issues in sports. I make weekly television appearances with Comcast Sports Southeast and maintain a blog for their website. In addition, I maintain a blog where I write fictional characters who are not a part of any of my current works-in-progress (www.bluejeansandpearls.com).
No changes--great bio!

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours truly,
Kristi XXXX


Kristi, I think you're going to get a lot of positive responses with this query. Well done!

2 comments:

kdosh said...

Thanks for your comments.

This is roughly the twenty-fourth draft of this query, and it's come a long way. Thanks to the wonderful people over on Query Tracker, I think I finally have a query that is ready to go out into the world!

Thanks for taking the time to hold such a wonderful contest!

Keisha Azzalea said...


I say many thanks to the father of the website admin I read this, because at this website I know a lot of information information that I did not know before his
Obat Nyeri Buang Air Kecil Yang Aman
Pengobatan Gusi Bernanah Herbal
Obat Benjolan Akibat Wasir Tradisional
Obat Tangan Sering Terasa Panas
Cara Menghilangkan Penyakit Kanker Vulva
Menghilangkan Kanker Prostat Secara Alami
Obat Tradisional Benjolan Di Ketiak
Cara Mencegah Penyakit Ambeien
Tips Menghilangkan Kanker Kelenjar Getah Bening
Cara Menghilangkan Sakit Pinggang Belakang