Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Query Critique #16

Query #16 - raquelhert 

Dear Ms. Agent,

Nine years without magic. Not such a bad price to pay for failing the Ordeal – the final test to become a magician, especially since Aaron hates magic.
I recommend avoiding sentence fragments in queries--especially in your opening hook.  
Nine years without magic wasn't such a bad price to pay for failing the Ordeal--the final test to become a magician--especially since Aaron hates magic.

But his magic is returning, whether he wants it to or not, including his gift of foresight. Through it he sees a war between magic users that will wipe all magic from the planet, including the last living wizard... his grandfather.
This is a nice set-up of the premise and conflict; I've only made minor word choice changes. You've already established that he doesn't want the magic, so the "wants it or not" is redundant.  
But now his magic is returning--including his gift of foresight. Through it he sees a war between magic users that will wipe all magic from the planet, including the last living wizard... his grandfather.

Somehow he must find a way to stop it. But his foresight is not helpful, and each time he tries to defy the visions it only leads him closer to the wars that plague his mind.
As he searches for answers he discovers the reason he failed the Ordeal. He is a wizard, or at least he can be, if the dragon who guards the wizard tower doesn’t eat him first. If he makes it through he can find the answers he seeks, and stop the wars that are prophesied through his visions. But he must embrace his magic and become a wizard himself.
This can be tighter. 

Somehow he must find a way to stop it. But every effort to defy the visions only leads him closer to the wars that plague his mind. In his search he discovers the reason he failed the Ordeal. He can still become a wizard... if the dragon who guards the wizard tower doesn’t eat him first. He needs to find some answers and stop the wars that are prophesied through his visions--but that means he'll have to embrace his magic and become a wizard himself. 

Great. More magic. Just what he didn’t want.

DARK VISIONS is a fantasy novel completed at 101,000 words.
If you have relevant bio info, please add it here (the odds of your own grandfather being a wizard a low, but it never hurts to ask).  

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


XXX XXXX

Nice sense of voice; I want to read more! I think you'll get requests for pages with this.