Query Critique #27

Query #27 - candie
(I went with the second post here).

Dear Ms. Agent,


ToR Sa has no sulking vampires glittering in the sun, no dark wizards on the prowl or alien clones controlled by human hosts, what it has - is irresistible magic and uniqueness.
Don't start with what it isn't--tell us something incredible about what it is! I suggest you cut this line completely and open with the next paragraph.


Promise Halle doesn’t know she’s special- can't comprehend that she’s a psychic scientist-reincarnate from the year 2132. Intensely vivid dreams and an overwhelming sense of déjà vu only add to the chaos of turning sixteen and falling for a guy who has yet to admit his feelings for her. And as if she needs more turmoil, her childhood nursemaid tells her that she is some prophesied quintessence of an ancient magic. Confiding in her true love Takoda Manning seems to be her only option, but the results are not at all what she expected. A hidden cave containing the first books seen in a millennium provides the proof to Promise that she has the magic Nushah, but also warns her of the evil Ayin Ha’ra and the Shadow Rider whose mere existence could destroy the world. 
The first sentence is a turn-off; it's incomplete and the wording of the premise doesn't work. I'm not sure how best to tighten this--it's a confusing mix of a teen love story, reincarnation, ancient magic--in the future. Try to distill this to its essence--if you were writing the words for the back cover, what would you tell people to make them want to read more?
Promise Halle doesn’t know she’s special. Her vivid dreams and overwhelming sense of déjà vu only add to the chaos of turning sixteen. She'd rather focus on the guy she's falling for--not deal with prophesies of ancient magic and reincarnation. But books in a hidden cave hold proof of Promise's magic--and also warn her of an evil Shadow Rider whose mere existence could destroy the world. 


Her mission, unlock the path to the Crown Crypt, master the technology buried in its depths, stop the Shadow Rider and his army of point-tailed dwarves and save the last remaining people on earth. The problem: no one will follow her unless she marries Takoda, but she has apparently blown her chances with him by impatiently accepting the Binding Bracelet of another. If she can’t convince Takoda she loves him and only him and persuade her people to leave the Isle of Devon before the Shadow Rider’s inevitable return, the unparalleled secret she’s been keeping will have been for nothing.
Again, this is a confusing amount of detail.  Try to distill it to its essence. I'm also not thrilled with a just-turned-16-year-old having to get married. I don't have a sense of Takoda's status--is he some kind of nobility?
Promise must unlock the path to the Crown Crypt and master the technology buried in its depths if she's going to have any chance of stopping the Shadow Rider. But no one will follow her unless she marries Takoda--and he thinks she's in love with someone else. If she can’t convince Takoda she loves him and persuade her people to leave the Isle of Devon before the Shadow Rider’s return, everyone she's ever known will die. 


ToR Sa the Keys of the Crown is a YA Fantasy complete at 75,000-words and is the first book of my ToR Sa Saga. My other works in progress are ToR Sa the Reign of Desire and ToR Sa thy Signs of Twelve.
I have some problems with your titles--non-traditional capitalization is a hard-sell, and there's a sci-fi imprint named Tor, so that also might cause some confusion. Did you mean "The" Signs of Twelve? It might be best to mention that you have "two more books planned for the series," rather than giving the names.


I am a début author.
I suggest you cut this line--the term doesn't apply until your first book comes out.


If ToR Sa the Keys of the Crown is of interest, I would be pleased to send my full manuscript at your request.
I'd cut this, too. Agents and publishers know to ask if they want more, and they usually request a partial rather than a full MS.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Nervously Biting Nails
:)

Candie--You have an interesting, intricate plot, but try to distill your query to give a sense of the heart of it, rather than giving so much detail. Best of luck!