Saturday, October 16, 2010

Query Critique #6

Here's the next batch--I'm thrilled, honored, humbled, and overwhelmed by the quantity and quality of the query letters y'all have posted!  I got a bunch of submissions in the last day, so I'm going to batch post this weekend.  BTW, if anyone can recommend a good polling set-up, please let me know--I'll set up the voting to start in a week or so. 


Today's victims participants: rkollman & Jennifer Armentrout.
Next up: DMC, mickip, and Natasha.

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QUERY #6 - rkollman

Dear [Name of Agent]:

Latina defense lawyer Gianne Noble thinks the stakes are as high as they can get when she takes on a capital murder case that forces her to save fallen Tejano star Benny Benavides from himself as well as from the needle. She's wrong. Gianne's legendary client faces execution for a double murder. He refuses to tell Gianne what happened, choosing death row over letting his daughter learn the unimaginable family secret that drove his desperate act. Then Gianne uncovers the gut-wrenching truth during trial. She has to decide: Turn away from her client for a chance to prove him innocent, or stand silent by his side and leave a young girl forever unaware her father sacrificed his own life to protect hers.
The opening sentence is too long and convoluted. Distill it; you've got some strong material here.
Lawyer Gianne Noble's legendary client faces execution for a double murder. Fallen Tejano star Benny Benavides would choose death row over letting his daughter learn the unimaginable family secret that drove his desperate act. When Gianne uncovers the gut-wrenching truth during trial. She has to decide if she will prove him innocent or stand silent by his side and leave a young girl forever unaware her father sacrificed his own life to protect hers. 

SHADOW OF TURNING is based on an actual case pulled from the files of an FBI profiler. Set in the Texas Hill Country, it juxtaposes the vibrant world of Tejano music with the stark evil of a depraved killer.

I live and practice law by the sea in Corpus Christi, Texas. My education in literature and law took root in my native Texas but was cultivated at Oxford. Here are [agent's requirements] of SHADOW OF TURNING for your consideration. Thank you for your time.
The rest of this is brief and direct--both are good things.  It lets the agent know that you have the background to make this work brilliantly, and the factual basis of the case adds to your credibility.  

Sincerely, 

XXX XXXX

4 comments:

Disgruntled Bear said...

I also think this would be an amazing movie...

lexcade said...

ditto. the story sounds super interesting. i'd pick this up, definitely.

Disgruntled Bear said...

Yeah, there's a Grisham-esque vibe, but with a Tejano flavor. This has great potential.

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