Query Critique #19

Query #19 - Clutzattack

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

The last place Evvy expected to find love is in the arms of the fairy prince...which probably means she shouldn’t have rejected his marriage proposal. 

I like this hook. 

 

In fairy tradition, the worth of a fairy girl is determined by the beauty of her flower, which is quantifiably measured by the number of human shoes paid to her father in exchange for her hand in marriage. With a blossomless flower, Evvy can hardly be considered worth a shoelace, let alone the shoe it came from. So when Evvy is kidnapped by Weeds but isn’t ransomed, she is certain she will never get a respectable husband, and the only thing she wants in life, is to be worth a pair of Converse High Tops. 

The shoes thing throws me a little bit. I'd tighten this up, as well--and either lose some of the shoe stuff, or give a few more words of explanation. 

In fairy tradition, the worth of a fairy girl is determined by the beauty of her flower. With a  blossomless flower, Evvy can hardly be considered worth a shoelace. So when Evvy is kidnapped by Weeds but isn’t ransomed, she is certain she will never get a respectable husband. 

While a prisoner of Weed outcasts, Evvy begins to feel acceptance, and possibly even loved by her abductor. However, in her decision to also become an exile, she hadn’t counted on the fairy prince showing up a season later to rescue her and declare her his intended bride. 

This is a fresh twist. However, I think we would form a better connection if the Weed who kidnapped her had a name. The verbs don't match up in the first sentence. 

Evvy rejects the prince’s proposal in favor of the home she’s found among his enemies—a decision she regrets after learning that the prince’s proposal was not shallow as she’d thought. Unfortunately, the prince is now rumored to have found another bride, one appropriately with a flower blossom. If Evvy can reconcile with the prince before he resigns himself to the love of another, true love might not be lost to Evvy forever. 

I've combined the two paragraphs and changed the verbs a bit to make them more active. I'm a little confused--why is the fairy prince "shallow?" What did she think he saw in her of she had a blossomless flower? 

While a prisoner of Weed outcasts, Evvy finds acceptance for the first time, and her abductor might even love her. When the fairy prince shows up to rescue her and declare her his intended bride, she rejects his proposal in favor of the home she’s found among his enemies--a decision she regrets after learning that the prince’s proposal was not as shallow as she’d thought. Unfortunately, the prince is now rumored to have found another bride, one with an appropriate flower blossom. Evvy must reconcile with the prince before he resigns himself to the love of another--or she'll lose her true love forever. 

SEEDS OF EDEN is a 75,000 word young adult fantasy novel, and can either be a stand-alone story or the first book of a series. 

I've removed a superfluous comma. 

SEEDS OF EDEN is a 75,000 word young adult fantasy novel that can either be a stand-alone story or the first book of a series. 

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Sincerely,

 

My Name

I think this has a nice sense of voice; I'd ask for pages. However, I'd be looking to see that Evvy had more on her mind than a good marriage, and make sure that your book was distinct from Aprilynne Pike's Wings books.