Query Critique #13

Query #13 - jennamattison

Dear Ms. Agent,

When Liza Radley realizes it’s cheatin’ season and no self-respecting detective’s gonna spy on her husband for the $800 and change she has hidden in a plastic soap dish, she does what any normal transplanted Georgia Peach would do--she becomes a private eye.
I like the sense of voice here, but I'd tighten it up a bit. 
When Liza Radley realizes no self-respecting detective’s gonna spy on her cheatin’ husband for the $800 she has hidden in a plastic soap dish, she does what any normal transplanted Georgia Peach would do--she becomes a private eye.

While downing her fourth maple glazed curbside, Liza discovers “Eye Spy” , a shop for the self-motivated sleuth in the heart of Boston Common. Inspiration strikes and she enters the world of Jack Parella, the cocky yet sexy owner/operator who talks like Humphrey Bogart but with a Southie accent and is more than willing to train Liza in the ways of amateur sleuthing, while simultaneously infuriating and titillating her. Though Liza starts the journey intending to rebuild her crumbling suburban life, she finds herself thrust into a fiery mystery as head of "Crimes of the Heart Detective Agency" with Parella by her side. Thus our dynamic duo is primed for their next adventure, which I am currently writing.
I made a punctuation fix (commas, periods, etc. go inside the quotes), and I wanted to suggest to everyone that you turn off "smart" quotes on your MS and query files, since their intelligence is overrated and they don't always transfer properly to HTML or e-books.  Even if *you* see them correctly on the screen, they may end up replaced with random punctuation at the other end (see my earlier comment on em-dashes, as well). I took out "Common" after Boston, since the Boston Common is a park (no shops), not a district. I also tightened the wording here, as well. I removed the "while simultaneously..." bit, since the "cocky yet sexy" assessment made it redundant.

While downing her fourth maple glazed curbside, Liza discovers "Eye Spy," a shop for the self-motivated sleuth in the heart of Boston. She enters the world of Jack Parella, the cocky yet sexy owner/operator who talks like Humphrey Bogart with a Southie accent and is more than willing to train Liza in the ways of amateur sleuthing. Though Liza starts the journey intending to rebuild her crumbling suburban life, she finds herself thrust into a fiery mystery as head of "Crimes of the Heart Detective Agency" with Parella by her side. 

I'd like another sentence or three about this "fiery mystery." while you've given a strong sense of the opening premise and the characters--and your narrative voice shines through well--I'm left without much sense of the plot or conflict. I also recommend not mentioning the sequels-in-progress; that can be part of a later conversation. 

EYE SPY is a 74,000 word women’s mystery. Though it is my first novel, I have written several feature films and have been reviewed as having “an ear for how women talk”; I also won a best screenplay award for my first film available on DVD, “Fish Without a Bicycle”. My second feature “The Third Wish” released by the Hallmark Channel, was called “ A delightfully frothy confection fairytale”. My latest project “For The Love of Money” is currently shooting in Los Angeles.

I can send the full manuscript if you like.
Double-check your sub-genres.  Would this qualify as a "cozy" mystery? Would you consider it a "chick-lit" mystery? I'd cut the review comments (they're awesome, but they seem too much for this).  Play up the commercial successes you've had as a writer--the movie credits are wonderfully impressive! 

EYE SPY is a 74,000 word (subgenre) mystery. I have written several feature films and won a Best Screenplay award for my film, "Fish Without a Bicycle." My second feature, "The Third Wish," was released by the Hallmark Channel, and my latest project, "For The Love of Money" is currently shooting in Los Angeles. 

I can send the full manuscript if you like.
Consider "Thank you for your time." or "Please let me know if you'd like to see more." Often the next step isn't a full request, but a partial request (the first 20-50 pages). 

Sincerely, 

XXX XXXX