Query Critique #8

QUERY #8 - DMC

Dear Ms. Agent:

After surviving a year defending her bra-clasp against over cologned, under IQ-ed football players, Teagan declared her days of being a cheerleader and fighting trolls officially over. That was before her Grandmother’s 15th century antique globe teleported Teagan and her best friend Rachel to the mysterious island of Candleflora, where she learns her family tree overflows with monstrous secrets. Lost in a forest amidst real trolls dressed in bad fur coats, but expensive Donald Trump wigs, their rescue’s aided by Thomas, protector of the Candle Light Realm who recognizes Teagan as his sovereign princess. Teagan’s shocked because his Queen just happens to be her ailing grandmother. Her grandmother unveils another surprise: Teagan has a twin sister, Princess of the Candle Dark Empire who’s determined to make Teagan’s visit her last, desiring all of Candleflora for herself.
There's a strong sense of voice in this opening.  However, I'd cut some of the adjectives, since it feels a bit OVER-descriptive. I also recommend adding an age-reference (I picked "sophomore" for the example, but please correct me if I got it wrong). You also have a few verb-tense inconsistencies--I recommend staying in third-person, present tense in query letters.  BTW, I love the Donald Trump wig line.

After surviving her entire sophomore year defending her bra-clasp against IQ-challenged football players, Teagan declares her days of being a cheerleader and fighting trolls officially over. That was before her Grandmother’s antique globe teleports Teagan and her best friend Rachel to the mysterious island of Candleflora, where she learns her family tree overflows with monstrous secrets. Lost in a forest amidst real trolls dressed in bad fur coats and expensive Donald Trump wigs, their rescue’s aided by Thomas, protector of the Candle Light Realm. Teagan’s shocked to discover his Queen happens to be her ailing grandmother--and he recognizes Teagan as his sovereign princess. Her grandmother unveils another surprise: Teagan has a twin sister, Princess of the Candle Dark Empire, and she doesn't want to share the power of Candleflora.

The sibling’s armies go to war, wearing magical hand guides which allow them to transform into different animals or warriors. The Empire’s elite poison billed Black-chinned Hummingbirds capture Rachel, and the sister tricks her into switching sides by painting her fingernails in black wax. Rachel steals the grandmother’s hidden hand guide depository of WMDs (Wickedly Massive Dragons), shifting the balance of power. The situation turns desperate when Teagan discovers their common enemy, the cannibalistic Bone Cutters, are planning to attack. Now Teagan must convince her sister to merge their forces before they strike. Unfortunately the twins are unaware of a final Brobdingnagian skeleton in the monarchical closet--their grandmother hoping to put some color back into her cheeks wants them both dead.
While you have some fascinating concepts here, this section gives too much detail--simplify.  I've also cut the grandmother-wants-them-dead twist out of this. Remember, the point is to make agents and publishers want to read more, not to summarize the plot, so feel free to keep it brief and incomplete. 
The sibling’s armies begin a war filled with magical weapons and transformations. When Teagan's sister captures Rachel and bespells her into switching sides, Rachel steals the grandmother’s hidden depository of WMDs (Wickedly Massive Dragons), shifting the balance of power. The situation turns desperate when Teagan discovers their common enemy, the cannibalistic Bone Cutters, are planning to attack. Now Teagan must convince her sister to merge their forces before they strike.

THE CANDLE DARK WICKED is a 89,000-word young adult fantasy novel. I was the founder and president of Strategy First, a worldwide publisher of entertainment software for twenty years. Our franchise titles, Disciples, a fantasy, and Jagged Alliance, an adventure role-playing release, sold over one million copies worldwide respectively and were geared to a young adult audience.
This is a great example of a successful wrap-up and bio. Your experience with RPG means you understand the market--and may also come with a built-in base of loyal fans who'll want to buy your book.   

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

XXX XXXX