QUERY CRITIQUE #11: REMAINDERS

Dear Ms. Kaynak,

The first night sixteen-year-old Camryn Brock sneaks out, she runs across a group of drunks hoping to cop a feel. She’s relieved when a stranger named Christian saves her, but relief turns to panic when, instead of taking her home, he claims her as his own prisoner.

Hmmm. I have a couple of problems with this opening: "cop a feel" is a dated cliché; the narrative voice is too mature, and I'm getting a Stephen King creep-out from the guy taking her prisoner in a remote place in Maine. It's not a good vibe for a PNR, especially with an underage protagonist.

Dear Ms. Kaynak,

Sneaking out didn't turn out to be such a good plan after all.

Sixteen-year-old Camryn Brock ends up needing a white knight-style rescue when a group of drunk guys get some bad ideas. And then a stranger named Christian saves her. But there's only one problem: he's pretty insistent that she not go home.

Trapped at his family’s secluded Maine estate, Camryn discovers Christian is a lot to take in: sixteen, stubborn, sizzly hot, and oh, yeah—in charge of the elite chosen to fight evil.

Camryn shouldn’t trust them. Shouldn’t fall in love. Shouldn’t want to stay.

But she does.

This next part has a much better sense of narrative voice. I'm normally not a fan of alliteration in mainstream prose, but the " sixteen, stubborn, sizzling-hot" thing works here.

Trapped at his family’s secluded Maine estate, Camryn discovers Christian is a lot to take in: sixteen, stubborn, sizzling-hot, and oh, yeah--in charge of a group of elite warriors chosen to fight evil.

Camryn shouldn’t fall in love, and she definitely shouldn’t want to stay--but she does.

Camryn must figure out what the Remainders are hiding, what Christian wants with her, and how she’s gonna get her butt back home.

But mainly? Why she fits in so damn good.

This also has that younger narrative voice. However, that "so damn good" is like a nail gun to the forehead for former English majors. There's also a disconnect here; you just said she trusts them, but she has to figure out what they're hiding, which is why I cut the "trust them" line above.

She must figure out what the Remainders are hiding, what Christian really wants with her, and how she’s gonna get her butt back home.

But mainly? Why she fits in so damn well.

REMAINDERS is a YA paranormal romance complete at 85,000 words.

All the best,

I really like the second half of this query, but that original opening was off-putting. If the book's more like the second half, I hope you'll consider querying Spencer Hill.  

QUERY CRITIQUE #10: THE FORCES OF HEAVEN AND HELL ALIKE

Dear Ms. Kaynak,

The demon Liam has been hiding a romantic relationship with the angel Mikael for centuries. When a battle for Heaven places them on opposing sides, Liam must decide if a victory for Hell is more important than losing the one being who taught him good and evil aren't easily defined.

This is an original premise, but be aware that romances with GLBT protagonists are very hard to sell, even in paranormal sub-genres.  

Liam enjoys being a demon. He gets to travel the Midwest on his motorcycle, chartering contracts for souls and feeding his addiction to coffee; a leftover need thanks to the body he now inhabits. He's got a right-hand man who follows his orders without question and who is more than happy to do most of the work on their assignments. This allows Liam to have more time for himself, and more importantly more time to spend with Mikael. Not even the minor annoyance of having to deal with archangel Gabriel's sworn vengeance can interrupt his life for too long.

Thus far, Gabriel's attacks have been weak and no real threat; more a source of mocking by Liam towards Heaven's less-than-competent solider. But now Heaven's in disarray, after God's gone AWOL, and Gabriel sees the opportunity to take the throne for himself. The death of Liam would surely prove his worth as a leader, so he takes a new approach to an old problem. The next soldier to go up against Liam will be trained by the best teacher in heaven—Mikael. Now the angel must decide how far he can go to protect Liam while serving Heaven, and Liam must save him from having to make the choice.

This query has a great sense of the conflict and the narrative voice.

THE FORCES OF HEAVEN AND HELL ALIKE is an 80,000 word completed urban fantasy which stands alone, but has series potential. After following your blog and the books of Spencer Hill Press this year, I feel that my novel would be of particular interest to you.

I am a member of the Works in Progress critique group, as well as a beta for the Book Country site, and have learned valuable information from both resources. I graduated from UNC-Chapel Hill in 2001 with a double minor in Religion and Creative Writing and have always been drawn to the interrelationship of the two.

My complete manuscript is available upon request. I can be reached through email at [EMAIL ADDRESS] or by phone at [PHONE NUMBER]. Thank you for your time and I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

If we published UF at Spencer Hill (since it's not YA, it's out of our scope), I'd request the full manuscript based on this query. It's unique, engaging, and shows your strength as a writer. Well done! 

QUERY CRITIQUE #9: MIRRORMASTERS

Dear Ms. Kaynak,

Leah Ellis has a mission to save her homeworld--if the ones who unleashed the impending apocalypse don’t eliminate her first.

Great hook!

Leah Ellis has a mission to save her homeworld--if the ones who unleashed the impending apocalypse don’t eliminate her first.

Leah’s gift as a MirrorMaster lets her travel to other places, even worlds light years away. That’s how she accidentally arrived on Earth thirteen years ago. At the age of fifteen, she discovers her otherworldly origins, and her ability, through a prophecy foretelling the return of a lost MirrorMaster. The youngest in her adoptive family, she’s always had others protecting her. Now, for the sake of billions of lives, she must protect an entire planet.

Knowing only she can wield the seven crystals needed to activate a device that will stop the apocalypse, Leah leaves behind everyone and everything she loves on Earth. On Jantyr she discovers a dying yet still beautiful world and a people who share all they have with each other. Through a desert of singing sands, to a bioluminescent jungle populated by thunderbeasts with razor-sharp teeth, to floating caverns that move unpredictably above a golden sea, she races to find the crystals before it's too late. If she's going to succeed in her mission, she must keep the ones responsible for the devastation from killing her first. But activating the device may require her to sacrifice not only her life, but her soul.

I did a little tightening.

Leah’s gift as a MirrorMaster lets her travel to other places, even worlds light years away. That’s how she accidentally arrived on Earth thirteen years ago. Now fifteen, she discovers her otherworldly origins--and her ability--through a prophecy foretelling the return of a lost MirrorMaster. The youngest in her adoptive family, she’s always had others protecting her. Now, for the sake of billions of lives, she must protect an entire planet.

Knowing only she can wield the crystals needed to activate a device that will stop the apocalypse, Leah leaves behind everyone and everything she loves on Earth. On Jantyr she discovers a dying yet still beautiful world and a people who share all they have with each other. Through a desert of singing sands, to a bioluminescent jungle populated by thunderbeasts with razor-sharp teeth, to moving caverns that float above a golden sea, she races to find the crystals before it's too late. If she's going to succeed in her mission, she must keep the ones responsible for the devastation from killing her first. But activating the device may require her to sacrifice not only her life, but her soul.

I took out the number "seven;" for some reason it made the story sound too high fantasy, and YA spec-fic tends to tread more lightly. I'm a little hesitant about the capitalization in the middle of MirrorMasters, especially as it's the title; that can cause problems in bookstore computer systems. 

THE MIRRORMASTERS is a [word count] contemporary fantasy for young adults. It is a stand-alone book with series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Cordially,

This sounds like it could be a beautiful read! For marketing, I think it might be compared to Graceling or Elemental. From "word count" in brackets, I'm guessing that it's unfinished at this point, but once you've got it polished, you may have something special here. 

QUERY CRITIQUE #8: TRIANGLE

Dear Ms. Kaynak,

The travel brochure promised an ‘escape from reality’. Her sister promised it would be the best family vacation ever. But when seventeen-year-old Autumn Taylor's ship glides into the Bermuda Triangle, her days become a blur of Twilight Zone episodes—and she's the star of the show.

Great opening hook!

The travel brochure promised an "escape from reality." Her sister promised it would be the best family vacation ever. But when seventeen-year-old Autumn Taylor's ship glides into the Bermuda Triangle, her days become a blur of Twilight Zone episodes—and she's the star of the show.

She speaks to her dead father, fights with a stepbrother she doesn't have, and finds herself stuck in the middle of a heated love triangle with a coworker and his half-brother. Waking up with cancer pushes her to the edge of a mental breakdown, sending her to the ship's doctor for help. Dr. Hardy, the only person so far who knows Autumn isn’t crazy, warns her that any of these alternate lives could become permanent—after all, it happened to her during her own trip through the Triangle. Autumn tries to figure out what’s going on, but everyone on the ship, including her sister, accepts each day as if it were the norm. When Autumn returns to the clinic for more answers, she finds the doctor is not on the ship's registry and never has been.

This sounds both original and compelling, I did find the Dr. Hardy sentence a bit convoluted and confusing, though, and I've tightened up a few other spots.

She speaks to her dead father, fights with a stepbrother she doesn't have, and finds herself in a heated love triangle with a coworker and his half-brother. Waking up with cancer pushes her to the edge of a mental breakdown, sending her to the ship's doctor for help. Dr. Hardy warns her that any of these alternate lives could become permanent—which is what happened to her during her own trip through the Triangle. Autumn struggles to figure out what’s going on, while everyone on the ship, including her sister, accepts each day as if it were the norm. When Autumn returns to the clinic for more answers, she finds the doctor was never on the ship's registry.

Now, with no one to help her, Autumn has a few things to figure out: a way out of the Triangle, why she's the only one who's been affected by the strange occurrences, and why this is happening to her. If she can’t get her real life back on track, she may end up spending the next sixty years trapped in a life she was never meant to live.

Now, with no one to help her, Autumn has a few things to figure out: a way out of the Triangle, why she's the only one who's been affected by the strange occurrences, and why this is happening to her. If she can’t get her real life back on track, she may end up spending the next sixty years trapped in a life she was never meant to live.

TRIANGLES is a 59,000 word young adult urban fantasy. This novel is a standalone with series potential.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

TRIANGLES is a 59,000 word young adult urban fantasy. This novel is a standalone with series potential.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Polished, professional, and compelling. PLEASE send this to Spencer Hill! 

QUERY CRITIQUE #7: THE MESSENGER'S HANDBOOK

Dear Ms. Kaynak:

I read you are interested in historical fiction and YA. The Messenger's Handbook is a YA romantic time travel thriller complete at 62,000 words.

I suggest starting with the hook.

After teen Madeline is pushed onto the subway tracks, she wakes in 1675 during King Philip's War, the sole survivor of a Native massacre on a colonial settlement. She's rescued and taken back to the colonists' garrison, but she's a modern girl and doesn't fit in. Fanatics would happily hang her as a witch, or for a crime she does commit - falling into a forbidden love with her soulmate, a Native boy. The only way she can get home and save their lives is to confront her fears, train with the Medicine Woman and earn her destiny as a Messenger, a time traveler. But the Hunters, dark souls who are skilled predators as well as time travelers, seek to either recruit or kill her.

"Teen" doesn't strike me as a good descriptor, probably because I don't think current teenagers would use it to self-describe, so it jars against the YA narrative voice. Speaking of narrative voice, this doesn't convey it. The plot sounds compelling, but since this is a YA novel, try to bring a younger feel to this query--a sample of what the book will sound like. I've also added a little specificity of setting, guessing Massachusetts because of the whole puritanical witch-hunt thing.

After sixteen-year-old Madeline is pushed onto the subway tracks, she wakes in 1675, during King Philip's War--the sole survivor of a Native massacre of a settlement in colonial Massachusetts. Rescued and taken back to the colonists' garrison, as a modern girl she knows more about texting than weaving textiles. Her weird behavior starts rumors of witchcraft, and the crime she does commit--falling in love with a Native boy--could also get her killed. The only way she can get home and save both of their lives is train with the Medicine Woman and fulfill her destiny as a Messenger, a time traveler. But the Hunters, dark-souled predators as well as time travelers, are closing in... and they'll kill her if she doesn't join them.

Krill Press published my novel, Cupcakes, Lies, and Dead Guys, a comedic mystery, in November 2010. I marketed the book to over six hundred bakeries, baking and reader sites. Mystery Scene Magazine gave it a shout-out. Although Cupcakes has little bookstore distribution, to date it has sold approximately 7500 copies. I’m working on the next Cupcake novel and additional novels in The Messenger’s Handbook series.

I love this bio info. It really makes you stand out as a published author who will put the effort behind marketing your book. I've made a few minor adjustments and removed the question from the end.

Krill Press published my novel, Cupcakes, Lies, and Dead Guys, a comedic mystery, in November 2010. I marketed the book to over six hundred bakeries, as well as to baking and reader sites. Although Cupcakes has little bookstore distribution, to date it has sold approximately 7500 copies. I’m working on the next Cupcake novel and additional novels in The Messenger’s Handbook series.

I read on your blog that you are interested in historical fiction and YA. The Messenger's Handbook is a YA romantic time travel thriller complete at 62,000 words.

Thank you for your time.

With this query, I'd request a partial to gauge both the YA feel of the narrative voice as well as the sense of how you handle the logistics of time travel. I hope you'll query Spencer Hill in December.