Fun stuff

There's a whole series of these demotivational posters, and they're LOL awesome. Check them out at ThinkGeek.com.

Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups.

Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.

Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction.

When you wish upon a falling star, Your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

Just Because You're Necessary Doesn't Mean You're Important. 

Check out the Halloween fun at Substitute Teacher's Saga: http://theresamilstein.blogspot.com/ 


Make sure you email me your revised queries by midnight tomorrow (Saturday, October 30th) if you'd like to take part in Round 2 of The Great Query Contest!

UPDATE: Ooh!  Great back-to-back reviews for Minder and Adversary at The Wormhole! Thanks for reviewing, Beverly--you made my day! 

Happy Halloween Weekend!

Halloween Fun

The look in so many of their eyes says, "I loathe you."



But the alligator costume is priceless.

Poll results! Curse you, premature Christmas decorations!

Thanks for voting, everyone!

Halloween Pet Peeves

What's your worst Halloween pet peeve?

Vote below (this also lets me test the voting software for next week's query contest):

What's your biggest Halloween Pet Peeve?

• Pathetically tiny "fun-size" candy.
• Those darn kids egging my car and TPing my front yard.
• Someone else wearing the same costume as me to the party.
• The disgusting smell of raw pumpkin guts.
• The Christmas decorations in the stores ALREADY.
• Candy corn. Candy corn is evil.
• People who think a t-shirt counts as a costume.
• Something else (post in comments).

View Results
Create a Poll

Dear,Disgruntled Bear

I knew I was taking a risk by putting my email address directly in the blog this week, but this is priceless (the bolding is mine).  BTW, I'm still sick-at-heart at this profound loss to the Bear family.  *snicker*

From: Barrister Sina Randy , Counselors At Law
Subject: Dear,Disgruntled Bear

Atten: Bear,

I know you would be very surprised to read from someone relatively unknown to you before. I must first apologize for sending you this unsolicited message and I want you to know that the essence of this message is strictly confidential and for mutual benefits between you and I and nothing more.

I am Barrister Sina Randy ,the attorney at law to Late James Bear, a national of your country, who used to work as the Director of Société Nationale de Commercialisation des Produits Pétroliers (SONACOP)Oil Company in Benin Republic West Africa Here in after shall be Referred to as my client.

On the 25th of December 2003, my client, His wife and their three Children were involved in a plane crash. All occupants of the plane Unfortunately lost their lives.Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved Unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track His last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his Family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in Repatriating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank here.

These huge deposit were lodged particularly, with the " ATLANTIQUE BANK BENIN " An affiliate of Commercial Bank of Africa where the Deceased had an account valued at about $12,000 000 million dollars. The Bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated.

Since I have been unsuccessful in Locating the relatives for over 4 years now I seek your consent To present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have The same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at $12,000 000 million dollars can be paid to you and then you and me can Share the money.50% to me and 50% to you I will procure all Necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make.All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us seeing this Deal through

I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.
Click the website below and view the Plane crash .
(I removed the link)
And the way we are going to achieve this, I need the following information from you,
Your Full Name and Address,
Your Age, Occupation and Position,
Your Telephone and Mobile for Communication Purpose.
Looking forward to hear from you.
Best Regards,
Barrister Sina Randy. 

Halloween Week

Hi folks,

Keep emailing those revised queries if you'd like them included in round two next week.

In honor of Halloween week here at Disgruntled Bear, here's something fun: 



What's your favorite part of Halloween? Milky Way bars? Pumpkin carving? Watching The Omen? Marching in the Greenwich Village parade? Hiding in the bushes with a fire extinguisher in case those bratty kids come back to beg for candy?

I have a "True Tales of the Paranormal" guest post up on Confessions of a Bookaholic; check out the book giveaway, as well! 

So...Many...Queries...

Woohoo!  Finished!

I'm amazed at the great turn-out for the Great Query Contest.  Now that I've gotten all of the critiques out, the question is:

What's Next? 

First: Thank you!
My thanks to everyone who braved the teeth and claws of a public query critique.  I hope that I gave you some helpful notes.

Second: Keep in Touch.
I want to know how you're doing. Please comment or email me when you hit major milestones like getting an agent and signing a book deal. I also want to offer this forum to you as a way to get the word out when your book is released. I'll be happy to review your book here at the Bear when it's published. I'll also be happy to host an ARC giveaway, guest blog, etc. to help you out.

Third: Publishing Opportunity.
Those of you who have complete YA paranormal, fantasy, or sci-fi books, my publisher, Spencer Hill Press, is currently accepting queries from both agented and unagented authors. Full disclosure: it's a very small outfit (just three part-timers) and we're still working on expanding distribution. In addition, I'm going to be editing at least one of the new projects in the coming year. Want it to be yours? Submit through the contact form.

Fourth: Writing Seminar.
All this critiquing has gotten me interested in offering a writing seminar. I think I'll keep it small (6-16 people), so writers can get more individual attention. It'll be here in New Hampshire on two consecutive Saturdays (probably 10am-5pm-ish) in April or May, 2011. I checked into a location in Concord, NH that's both affordable and within walking distance of the bus from Boston's South Station. The focus would be on developing vibrant characters and narrative voice, and the cost would be in the $300-$350 range, although blog followers, students, and early-birds would all get discounts that would bring the cost down into the $200-$300 range. If you're interested, please email me, and I'll keep you in the loop as things develop.

Fifth: The Rest of the Contest.
Let's all take a breather from queries for the week before we start:

Round Two

Everyone who queried in the first round is eligible to re-submit his/her queries by email. Please get your revised queries to me by Midnight on Saturday, October 30th.  I'll post them EXACTLY AS I RECEIVE THEM, (from the "Dear Ms. Agent" to the "Sincerely, Moi"), so please format them appropriately for an e-query. You do not have to include your name or contact info, though. I'll set up a poll, and voting will start on Monday, November 1st through Sunday, November 7th. I'll ask people to vote for the book they'd most like to read. Feel free to promote the heck out of this and get all your blog followers and Facebook friends to vote. The winner will receive a 30-page partial critique.

Random legalese: By sending me your entry, you agree that I may re-post your query (in whole or in part) here at the Disgruntled Bear. I'm also allowed to brag about how I was reading your work before you got famous.

Happy Weekend!

Query Critique #27

Query #27 - candie
(I went with the second post here).

Dear Ms. Agent,


ToR Sa has no sulking vampires glittering in the sun, no dark wizards on the prowl or alien clones controlled by human hosts, what it has - is irresistible magic and uniqueness.
Don't start with what it isn't--tell us something incredible about what it is! I suggest you cut this line completely and open with the next paragraph.


Promise Halle doesn’t know she’s special- can't comprehend that she’s a psychic scientist-reincarnate from the year 2132. Intensely vivid dreams and an overwhelming sense of déjà vu only add to the chaos of turning sixteen and falling for a guy who has yet to admit his feelings for her. And as if she needs more turmoil, her childhood nursemaid tells her that she is some prophesied quintessence of an ancient magic. Confiding in her true love Takoda Manning seems to be her only option, but the results are not at all what she expected. A hidden cave containing the first books seen in a millennium provides the proof to Promise that she has the magic Nushah, but also warns her of the evil Ayin Ha’ra and the Shadow Rider whose mere existence could destroy the world. 
The first sentence is a turn-off; it's incomplete and the wording of the premise doesn't work. I'm not sure how best to tighten this--it's a confusing mix of a teen love story, reincarnation, ancient magic--in the future. Try to distill this to its essence--if you were writing the words for the back cover, what would you tell people to make them want to read more?
Promise Halle doesn’t know she’s special. Her vivid dreams and overwhelming sense of déjà vu only add to the chaos of turning sixteen. She'd rather focus on the guy she's falling for--not deal with prophesies of ancient magic and reincarnation. But books in a hidden cave hold proof of Promise's magic--and also warn her of an evil Shadow Rider whose mere existence could destroy the world. 


Her mission, unlock the path to the Crown Crypt, master the technology buried in its depths, stop the Shadow Rider and his army of point-tailed dwarves and save the last remaining people on earth. The problem: no one will follow her unless she marries Takoda, but she has apparently blown her chances with him by impatiently accepting the Binding Bracelet of another. If she can’t convince Takoda she loves him and only him and persuade her people to leave the Isle of Devon before the Shadow Rider’s inevitable return, the unparalleled secret she’s been keeping will have been for nothing.
Again, this is a confusing amount of detail.  Try to distill it to its essence. I'm also not thrilled with a just-turned-16-year-old having to get married. I don't have a sense of Takoda's status--is he some kind of nobility?
Promise must unlock the path to the Crown Crypt and master the technology buried in its depths if she's going to have any chance of stopping the Shadow Rider. But no one will follow her unless she marries Takoda--and he thinks she's in love with someone else. If she can’t convince Takoda she loves him and persuade her people to leave the Isle of Devon before the Shadow Rider’s return, everyone she's ever known will die. 


ToR Sa the Keys of the Crown is a YA Fantasy complete at 75,000-words and is the first book of my ToR Sa Saga. My other works in progress are ToR Sa the Reign of Desire and ToR Sa thy Signs of Twelve.
I have some problems with your titles--non-traditional capitalization is a hard-sell, and there's a sci-fi imprint named Tor, so that also might cause some confusion. Did you mean "The" Signs of Twelve? It might be best to mention that you have "two more books planned for the series," rather than giving the names.


I am a début author.
I suggest you cut this line--the term doesn't apply until your first book comes out.


If ToR Sa the Keys of the Crown is of interest, I would be pleased to send my full manuscript at your request.
I'd cut this, too. Agents and publishers know to ask if they want more, and they usually request a partial rather than a full MS.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Nervously Biting Nails
:)

Candie--You have an interesting, intricate plot, but try to distill your query to give a sense of the heart of it, rather than giving so much detail. Best of luck!  

Query Critiques #25 and #26

I've got two from Nicole:

Dear Ms. Agent:


When fifteen-year-old Alexia finds a portal, she discovers the mystical, but real, Land of Imagining.
Many fantasy novels have portals--can you give a word or two that makes yours unique?


Alexia is drawn to this world -- it's far more fascinating than the worlds in her stories. Her aspirations to become a best-selling novelist are forgotten when she learns she is an All-Knower. The rest of the peaceful, magical All-Knowers are in terrible danger. The Head Demon seeks to enslave and kill them, determined to rule the Land of Imagining.
This is a strong premise--you have a magical world and a conflict between good and evil.  I have to say, though, that novels about characters who write novels tend to send up red flags with agents.


A magic pen unleashes Alexia's hidden power: everything she writes with the pen comes true, giving only Alexia the ability to protect the All-Knowers as their Chosen One. Scared, Alexia hates her new power, worrying she is too inexperienced to wield it correctly.
I think this magic pen component is your strongest hook--I recommend leading with it.
When fifteen-year-old Alexia writes with a magic pen, everything she writes comes true. 


After discovering a portal to the mystical Land of Imagining, Alexia learns she is an All-Knower. The rest of the peaceful, magical All-Knowers are in terrible danger. The Head Demon seeks to enslave and kill them, determined to rule the Land of Imagining. Alexia's hidden power with the magic pen makes her the Chosen One--the only person who can protect the All-Knowers from the demon--but she has no idea how to actually use it.   


After the Head Demon steals the pen and kidnaps her family, Alexia confronts her fear and travels to the Land of Imagining. The Head Demon wants her dead, but Alexia only cares about her family and her people. To save everyone, Alexia must locate the demon's secret lair and secure her pen before the Land of Imagining becomes the Land of Terror.
I recommend tightening this.
After the Head Demon steals the pen and kidnaps her family, Alexia must locate the demon's secret lair and secure her pen before the Land of Imagining becomes the Land of Terror.


ALEXIA'S PEN is a 78,000-word fantasy YA standalone novel with series potential.
Good.


I am the author of a fantasy romance series, The Kingdom of Arnhem -- Woman of Honor (2009) and Knight of Glory (2010) published with Desert Breeze Publishing. I have also sold nine short stories for anthologies, including Mertales by Wyvern Publications, and many collections by Pill Hill Press. I have a blog with over 220 followers. 
Excellent bio.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, 


XXX XXXX

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Dear Ms. Agent:


Traumatized by witnessing her father’s brutal murder, Lorna masters her feelings of powerlessness by becoming an assassin.
Now THAT'S a hook! Don't change a word.


Lorna soon discovers she can create and hide in shadows, giving her a distinct advantage over her targets; however her father’s killer remains elusive. With no leads, Lorna accepts assignments including a small island king with a high price on his head. King Alaric is everything Lorna isn't — noble, kind, good. When she falls for Alaric, Lorna distances herself from her assassin lifestyle but cannot escape her past. A mass gravesite on the island provides clues to her father's murder and why people want Alaric dead. 
This is good--I recommend a little bit of tightening, though. I know what you mean by a "small island king," but I keep picturing a short man.  
Lorna discovers she can create and hide in shadows. While this gives her a distinct advantage over her targets, her father’s killer remains elusive. With no leads, Lorna accepts an assignment to kill an island king with a high price on his head. King Alaric is everything Lorna isn't--noble, kind, and good. When she falls for him, Lorna distances herself from her assassin lifestyle but cannot escape her past. A mass gravesite on the island provides clues to her father's murder and why people want Alaric dead. 


As Lorna grows closer to finding her father’s murderer, she struggles to master her shadow power. But enacting her revenge would destroy any chance Lorna has of being with Alaric, leaving Lorna torn between murder and love. 
I recommend tightening the first part of this, too.
Lorna grows closer to finding her father’s murderer, but enacting her revenge would destroy any chance she has of being with Alaric--leaving Lorna torn between murder and love. 


HIDDEN IN SHADOWS is a complete 97,000-word paranormal romance standalone novel with series potential.
Good.


I am the author of a fantasy romance series, The Kingdom of Arnhem – Woman of Honor (2009) and Knight of Glory (2010) published with Desert Breeze Publishing. I have also sold nine short stories for anthologies, including Mertales by Wyvern Publications, and many collections from Pill Hill Press. I have a blog with over 220 followers.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, 


XXX XXXX

Good job!  I'd ask for pages.

Query Critique #24

Query #24 - Deb

Sixteen-year-old islander Denton is stunned when a grieving father demands he steal the holy Blue Anchor, which legend says can restore life to the dead. If Denton refuses, the blackmailer will murder his family. If he’s caught robbing the temple, the priests will throw him into the Pit, where he’ll be eaten alive.

This sets some of the premise, but I don't know why Denton would be singled out by the father, and "islander" doesn't give enough of the setting. Instead of saying he's stunned, can you give a word or two that clarifies why he would be asked? Does the father blame his for his child's death? Is he chosen because he has no magic?  

A grieving father demands that sixteen-year-old Denton steal the holy Blue Anchor (of the island people of...), which legend says can restore life to the dead. If he refuses, the blackmailer will murder his family. If he’s caught robbing the temple, the priests will throw him into the Pit, where he’ll be eaten alive. 
But the Blue Anchor can’t revive the dead; instead it anchors an ancient imprisonment spell, and by removing it from the temple, Denton unchains a murderous wizard. When the wizard crawls out his prison and kidnaps Denton’s cousin, Denton blames himself. 

This is a nice twist, but you're missing an "of." 

But the Blue Anchor can’t revive the dead. It anchors an ancient imprisonment spell, and by removing it from the temple, Denton unchains a murderous wizard. When the wizard crawls out of his prison and kidnaps Denton’s cousin, Denton blames himself. 
He doesn’t have a speck of magic, but when sorcery sticks an oar into his affairs, he’s not about to let it scuttle his boat. Denton swears he’ll rescue his cousin, even if that means facing down the wizard. Alone. 

I like the nautical flavor, but I'm not much of a fan of sentence fragments. 

He doesn’t have a speck of magic, but when sorcery sticks an oar into his affairs, he’s not about to let it scuttle his boat. Denton swears he’ll rescue his cousin, even if that means facing down the wizard alone. 
ANCHORING THE RAIN is a 97,000 word fantasy that will appeal to fans of Patricia Wrede and Mercedes Lackey.
Given the age of the MC, I recommend mentioning if this is intended for a YA or adult audience.

My story, Amber Profits, was published in Aurora Wolf’s first anthology, Aurora in the Dawn.
Excellent. 

My story, Amber Profits, was published in Aurora Wolf’s first anthology, Aurora in the Dawn.
 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Sincerely, 

XXX XXXX

Query Critique #23

Query #23 - steph_mantle

Dear Ms. Agent,

Seventeen-year-old Haithem knows the warnings; use the stone and risk corrupting your soul -its too bad Haithem needs its magic to fulfill his destiny.

The wording here is awkward--you've put a second person "you" in the middle of what should be in third-person, and I think the same idea can be stated more directly. 

Seventeen-year-old Haithem knows that using the stone might corrupt his soul.  It's too bad Haithem needs its magic to fulfill his destiny.
Haithem never fit in with his quiet rural community, so although he was shocked by the news that he was a member of an ancient magic-wielding race, he knew it to be the truth. He was awarded his birthright - a strange green gem, said to be imbued with the power to change its keeper's destiny. But is the stone a blessing or a curse?

This also seems a bit awkward, and I don't recommend rhetorical questions in queries--some agents have a real pet peeve about them.  

When (character) awards Haithem a strange green gem--his birthright as a member of the (race name), an ancient magic-wielding race--he warns him that the stone is imbued with the power to change its keeper's destiny. That may be a blessing--or a curse. 

Haithem sets out on a perilous journey to find his kin and request their aid against Gorthok, the Evil King of Suendra. He is not aware that Gorthok hunts the stone he carries until Gorthok sends his depraved wizards and barbarian soldiers to wreak havoc on the countryside and its peaceful inhabitants.

Avoid clichés like "perilous journey" and "wreak havok." This seems backwards to me--please let me know if I've misunderstood. 
When Gorthok, the Evil King of Suendra, sends wizards and soldiers to destroy Haithem's community and find the stone, Haithem sets out to find his kin and request their aid against him. 

With the aid of companions he meets along the way, including a young rogue fighter, a beautiful warrior woman, and an ancient magical beast, Haithem finds that the story of the stone runs deeper than he could possibly have imagined. Now he must risk everything - including his soul - to save the land and the people that he loves. He hopes it will be enough.
This part reads more smoothly, although the characters sound a bit cliché (please tell me they don't meet in a tavern...). Try to find a way to describe them that makes them more vibrant, memorable, and unique.   

DESTINY STONE is a 104, 000 Young Adult fantasy. It is a standalone with series potential. Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. 

Good title! 

Sincerely,

XXX 

Query Critique #22

Query #22 - Janet 

Dear Ms. Agent, 

Unable to ride a horse or wield a sword, seventeen-year-old Prince Bob—a.k.a. Prince Charming's little brother—is as steeped in failure as his brother is in success. Getting left behind in the face of war shouldn't shock him. And it wouldn't have if Charming (his ever encouraging brother) hadn't been the cause.

I've made a couple of word changes, but I like the hook. 

Unable to ride a horse or wield a sword, seventeen-year-old Prince Bob--Prince Charming's little brother--is as steeped in failure as his brother is in success. Getting left behind in the face of war shouldn't shock him. And it wouldn't have if Charming hadn't been the cause.

Humiliated and sent to drum up militia, Bob's out to prove himself, and hopefully lose his nick name (Prince Boob) along the way. But with villagers ready to mutiny and mysterious mishaps wreaking havoc on the soldier's unit, Bob realizes just how in-over-his-head he is. He's certain Charming would have handled the situation with ease.

Nice. I've suggested some minor tightening.  

Humiliated and sent to drum up militia, Bob's out to prove himself--and hopefully lose his nickname (Prince Boob) along the way. But with villagers ready to mutiny and mysterious mishaps wreaking havoc on the soldier's unit, Bob realizes just how in-over-his-head he is. 

When Bob stumbles on a traitor, then learns of the enemy's imminent attack on the town, the once-mutinous villagers turn to him for leadership. His chance has finally come, but Bob has other things to worry about. Like the enemy's plot to kill his father. 

Good development of the conflict. I've made some minor modifications to the grammar and punctuation.  

When Bob stumbles on a traitor and learns of the enemy's imminent attack on the town, the once-mutinous villagers turn to him for leadership. His chance has finally come, but Bob has other things to worry about--like the enemy's plot to kill his father. 

With the future of the nation in his hands, and his father's life on the line, failure is not an option. It's just all Bob has ever known. 

This is three clichés in a row, but they seem to work since you're playing on the last one in particular. If you can re-word the first two, though, I think this will be stronger. 

The Other Prince is a fantasy novel for young adults of 108,000 words. Fans of Shannon Hale's Princess Academy, and Gail Carson Levine's Ella Enchanted will enjoy this spin-off of Snow White. 

The first sentence reads awkwardly, and you have an extra comma. You've picked some good comps, but, since you have a male MC, you might want to find a comp that appeals to a teen boy audience, as well. 

The Other Prince is a fantasy novel for young adults.  It is complete at 108,000 words. Fans of Shannon Hale's Princess Academy and Gail Carson Levine's Ella Enchanted will enjoy this spin-off of Snow White. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 

XXX XXXX

I like the premise--it's a fresh take on an old story, and I think the kid-in-his-big-brother's-shadow aspect will be a strong selling point. 

Query Critique #21

#21 is Jess

Dear Ms. Agent:


A young girl strives selflessly (okay, it’s for a class project) and truthfully (okay, so she may tell a whopper or two) to rid her town of big fat liars in REGINA BRINKWELL & THE TRUTH BRIGADE, a 35,000-word middle grade novel. 
I think the parentheticals actually work here, except for the word "whopper," which I don't think modern 12-year-olds use.
A young girl strives selflessly (okay, it’s for a class project) and truthfully (okay, so she sometimes gets "creative" with the truth) to rid her town of big fat liars in REGINA BRINKWELL & THE TRUTH BRIGADE, a 35,000-word middle grade novel. 


Twelve-year-old Regina is sick of adults telling fibs. When a flexible community service requirement comes along in school, she jumps at the chance to form a Truth Brigade, exposing all dishonest grown-ups in Fredalia. The list of offenders includes soccer referees that make bad calls, dentists/doctors who lie about pain, and shoe stores with inconsistent sneaker prices. With best friend Skippy reluctantly by her side, Regina approaches the creepy town librarian for help—he’s been around forever and has the goods on everyone in town. Thanks to the old man’s diary of observations and a few aggressive picket lines and flyers, things get a little sticky and she may have said a couple of things that weren’t exactly, well, true. Regina vows to redeem herself.
I think this could be a bit tighter.
Twelve-year-old Regina is sick of adults telling fibs. She forms a Truth Brigade to expose all the dishonest grown-ups in Fredalia--and to fulfill a school community service requirement. The list of offenders includes soccer referees who make bad calls, dentists/doctors who lie about pain, and shoe stores with inconsistent sneaker prices. Regina even approaches the creepy town librarian for help—he’s been around forever and has the goods on everyone in town. Thanks to the old man’s diary of observations and a few aggressive picket lines and flyers, things get a little sticky and she may have said a couple of things that weren’t exactly, well, true. Regina vows to redeem herself.


Shady behavior of the Mayor, the Principal, and a teacher catches her attention and she orders a secret Brigade investigation; the other busts have been small potatoes, but this could be big. Making an teensy-weensy exception to their mission of honesty, she and Skippy break into the school to gather evidence. What they find isn’t pretty: one person is a blackmailer, one is a cheat, and one is covering up a heartbreaking secret. Disillusioned by the findings, Regina strives to turn her project into something positive before Fredalia has an honest-to-goodness breakdown.
You mention that Regina may have lied in the previous paragraph, but here you say she's making an exception to her mission of honesty.  I also think you have a few too many examples in these two paragraphs, and that they could be tightened.  Watch the clichés, too: "small potatoes,""things get sticky," "honest-to-goodness," etc.
Shady behavior by the Mayor, the Principal, and a teacher catch her attention and she orders a secret Brigade investigation. Making an teensy-weensy exception to their mission of honesty, she and her friend break into the school to gather evidence. What they find isn’t pretty: one person is a blackmailer, one is a cheat, and one is covering up a heartbreaking secret. Disillusioned by the findings, Regina strives to turn her project into something positive before the whole town has a breakdown.


I am a member of Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers. Thank you for your time.


Sincerely,


Jess


I think this sounds like a fun MG read, Jess.  I recommend that you screen your MS for clichés, though. 

Query Critique #20

Query #20 - lsmurphy

Dear Awesome Agent, 

That's _Ms._ Awesome Agent to you! Only my friends get to call me Awesome.  :) 

Quincy Amarante’s only goal in life is to be the “It” girl of Rancho Valley High and she’s determined not to let a little thing like the afterlife get in the way. Unfortunately, Destiny has other plans. He shows up on her sixteenth birthday to ruin it with the news that she’ll become the fifth grim reaper. 

I'm hooked, but then again, I loved the show Dead Like Me. I just have a couple of tightening suggestions. 

Quincy Amarante’s only goal in life is to be the “It” girl of Rancho Valley High and she’s determined not to let a little thing like the afterlife get in the way. Unfortunately, Destiny has other plans when he ruins her sixteenth birthday with the news that she’ll become the fifth grim reaper. 

 

Forced to learn the family business from a crabby dead relative, Quincy struggles to keep her status even while her priorities shift from who she wants to be to who she really is. After getting swept off her feet by the hot new guy in school, Quincy discovers that her romantic ideals are just another illusion to overcome. With her world unraveling one carefully placed thread at a time, she loses her best friend, falls in love with the last person she expected, and must make a decision that could cost her the most precious thing in the world: her life. 

Watch the clichés like "swept off her feet." 

Forced to learn the family business from a crabby dead relative, Quincy struggles to keep her social status even while her priorities shift from who she wants to be to who she really is. After things with hot new guy in school don't turn out the way she expected, Quincy discovers that her romantic ideals are just another illusion to overcome. With her world unraveling one carefully placed thread at a time, she loses her best friend, falls in love with the last person she expected, and must make a decision that could cost her the most precious thing in the world: her life. 

 

REAPER is complete at 66,000 words and is for young adults who enjoy urban fantasy. 

Sincerely, 

XXX XXXX

This is an interesting premise, and I'd ask for pages. 

Query Critique #19

Query #19 - Clutzattack

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

The last place Evvy expected to find love is in the arms of the fairy prince...which probably means she shouldn’t have rejected his marriage proposal. 

I like this hook. 

 

In fairy tradition, the worth of a fairy girl is determined by the beauty of her flower, which is quantifiably measured by the number of human shoes paid to her father in exchange for her hand in marriage. With a blossomless flower, Evvy can hardly be considered worth a shoelace, let alone the shoe it came from. So when Evvy is kidnapped by Weeds but isn’t ransomed, she is certain she will never get a respectable husband, and the only thing she wants in life, is to be worth a pair of Converse High Tops. 

The shoes thing throws me a little bit. I'd tighten this up, as well--and either lose some of the shoe stuff, or give a few more words of explanation. 

In fairy tradition, the worth of a fairy girl is determined by the beauty of her flower. With a  blossomless flower, Evvy can hardly be considered worth a shoelace. So when Evvy is kidnapped by Weeds but isn’t ransomed, she is certain she will never get a respectable husband. 

While a prisoner of Weed outcasts, Evvy begins to feel acceptance, and possibly even loved by her abductor. However, in her decision to also become an exile, she hadn’t counted on the fairy prince showing up a season later to rescue her and declare her his intended bride. 

This is a fresh twist. However, I think we would form a better connection if the Weed who kidnapped her had a name. The verbs don't match up in the first sentence. 

Evvy rejects the prince’s proposal in favor of the home she’s found among his enemies—a decision she regrets after learning that the prince’s proposal was not shallow as she’d thought. Unfortunately, the prince is now rumored to have found another bride, one appropriately with a flower blossom. If Evvy can reconcile with the prince before he resigns himself to the love of another, true love might not be lost to Evvy forever. 

I've combined the two paragraphs and changed the verbs a bit to make them more active. I'm a little confused--why is the fairy prince "shallow?" What did she think he saw in her of she had a blossomless flower? 

While a prisoner of Weed outcasts, Evvy finds acceptance for the first time, and her abductor might even love her. When the fairy prince shows up to rescue her and declare her his intended bride, she rejects his proposal in favor of the home she’s found among his enemies--a decision she regrets after learning that the prince’s proposal was not as shallow as she’d thought. Unfortunately, the prince is now rumored to have found another bride, one with an appropriate flower blossom. Evvy must reconcile with the prince before he resigns himself to the love of another--or she'll lose her true love forever. 

SEEDS OF EDEN is a 75,000 word young adult fantasy novel, and can either be a stand-alone story or the first book of a series. 

I've removed a superfluous comma. 

SEEDS OF EDEN is a 75,000 word young adult fantasy novel that can either be a stand-alone story or the first book of a series. 

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Sincerely,

 

My Name

I think this has a nice sense of voice; I'd ask for pages. However, I'd be looking to see that Evvy had more on her mind than a good marriage, and make sure that your book was distinct from Aprilynne Pike's Wings books. 

Query Critique #18

Query #18 - Eliza

Dear Ms. Agent,

Seventeen-year-old Avikar has always dreamed of being an adventurer, but after his brother’s death, he stays home and accepts his life as a stable boy. Until, his beautiful sister Jeslyn is kidnapped, and the fear of losing another sibling sends him on a journey to rescue her. After failing to save his brother two years ago, he just can’t fail again. To find her, though, he must take on an unlikely ally--the man who kidnapped her.
I like this opening, but it could be a little tighter, and you need to watch the way you use commas (you've got a couple in the wrong places). 
Seventeen-year-old Avikar always dreamed of being an adventurer, but after his brother’s death, he stays home and accepts life as a stable boy. When his sister Jeslyn is kidnapped, the fear of losing another sibling sends him on a journey to rescue her. After failing to save his brother two years ago, he just can’t fail again. To find her, though, he must take on an unlikely ally--the man who kidnapped her.

His search for Jeslyn leads him to Eden--a secret paradise ruled by a young tyrannical, half-human lord named Lucino. Lucino has a hobby of collecting pretty girls, and has sent his men out on his latest request. Many girls are taken from their homes, but his desire to have the prettiest bride, makes Jeslyn the only girl worthy.
Good set-up of the conflict and setting. I've suggested some ways to tighten the prose (and there's another comma-issue). 
His search for Jeslyn leads him to Eden--a secret paradise ruled by a young, half-human tyrant named Lucino. Lucino has a hobby of collecting pretty girls, and his men have taken many from their homes. However, his desire to have the prettiest bride makes Jeslyn the only girl worthy.

In order to reach Jeslyn, Avikar will have to face an ancient guardian snake, seductive dark haired beauties, and a battle where he is hopelessly outnumbered. He begins to realize that he is in way over his head, and questions his ability to save her. He will have to overcome his fear of inadequacy and believe that he can be the hero he was born to be, or else Jeslyn will be lost forever.
Watch your clichés. 
In order to reach Jeslyn, Avikar will have to face an ancient guardian snake, seductive dark haired beauties, and a battle in which he is hopelessly outnumbered. He will have to overcome his fear of inadequacy and believe that he can be the hero he was born to be, or else Jeslyn will be lost forever.

WINDS OF CHANGE is a complete, 65,000 word YA fantasy, with outlines done for future books.

It's risky to mention that your book is the first of a series. If you can say that it can stand alone, I recommend that you do so (it's an easier sale for the agent). Feel free to mention that your book has "series potential," though. 
WINDS OF CHANGE is a complete, 65,000 word YA fantasy novel with series potential.

I don’t have any fancy credentials, unless not dying in the first few chapters of a Choose Your own Adventure book counts.
Normally I don't recommend having a line like this, but I laughed out loud when I read it. I suggest you only use it when you query agents who have something funny in their own website bios.   

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, 


XXX XXXX

I think you'll have a lot of interest in this book; I know several agents specifically request YA books with a male MC. Best of luck! 

Query Critique #17

Query #17 - Shannon

Dear Ms. Agent,

I am seeking representation for my middle-grade fantasy novel, The Totally True Tales of Tansy Berry, Tooth Ferry.
I usually recommend starting with the hook, but I think this works up here, since the query reads more fluidly if we know and expect a MG story.  I'm thrown by the spelling of fairy/ferry, though. Is there a reason? 

When Ruth Canal takes over as CEO - Chief Extraction Officer - at Tooth Central, Tansy Berry is fired from the only job she’s ever loved. After a brief wallow in self-pity (and the North Pole Spa molasses pool), she’s ready to get her job back. To do so, she’ll need the help of Dr. Chip, an elf dentist with a temper and an obsession with the mythical Sweet Tooth.
There's a nice sense of whimsical voice here. I don't think it needs improving. 

But when they go undercover to infiltrate Tooth Central, they discover something rotten about the new management. And her ex-boyfriend, the cool but fickle Jack Frost, is involved. Not only is he following her, but he’s dating the Ferry who took over her route. And he seems to have more than a passing interest in the fate of those collected teeth. He’s up to something, or her name isn’t Tansy Berry, Tooth Ferry. Well, maybe it isn’t right now. But it will be again. She’ll bet her two front teeth on it.

I just made a few word choice changes to strengthen the connection to the characters.  I also eliminated some of the conjunctions at the beginning of sentences. Technically, it's a no-no--although it's becoming more acceptable. There just seemed to be a few too many. This has a great sense of voice, too. 
When they go undercover to infiltrate Tooth Central, they discover something rotten about the new management. And Tansy's ex-boyfriend, the cool but fickle Jack Frost, is involved. Not only is he following her, but he’s dating the Ferry who took over her route. He seems to have more than a passing interest in the fate of those collected teeth. Jack's up to something, or her name isn’t Tansy Berry, Tooth Ferry. Well, maybe it isn’t right now. But it will be again. She’ll bet her two front teeth on it.

This is a stand-alone novel with series potential, and will appeal to fans of Michael Buckley’s Sisters Grimm series. The manuscript is complete at 42,000 words and is available at your request.
I usually suggest cutting the "at your request" about manuscripts, since the next stage is usually a partial request. I made a minor change to correct a punctuation error (no comma between two clauses with a shared subject). 
This is a stand-alone novel with series potential that will appeal to fans of Michael Buckley’s Sisters Grimm series. The manuscript is complete at 42,000 words.

I recently attended a 6-week revision class taught by NYT best-selling author Lani Diane Rich, as well as a Breakout Novel workshop with literary agent Donald Maass. My short stories have appeared in various journals such as Toasted Cheese Literary Journal, Big Pulp, The Binnacle, and Concisely Magazine.
I've got mixed feelings about mentioning classes and workshops. Include the Breakout Novel workshop connection if you query Donald Maass, but I don't think it'll help with other agents. If you query Rich's agent, include the part about being in her class. Your short story credits are well-presented here.  

I thank you for your time and consideration, and look forward to hearing from you.
Again, watch the "comma-and" combo when the second half of your sentence doesn't have a subject. 
I thank you for your consideration and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely, 


XXX XXXX

Query Critique #16

Query #16 - raquelhert 

Dear Ms. Agent,

Nine years without magic. Not such a bad price to pay for failing the Ordeal – the final test to become a magician, especially since Aaron hates magic.

I recommend avoiding sentence fragments in queries--especially in your opening hook.  
Nine years without magic wasn't such a bad price to pay for failing the Ordeal--the final test to become a magician--especially since Aaron hates magic.

But his magic is returning, whether he wants it to or not, including his gift of foresight. Through it he sees a war between magic users that will wipe all magic from the planet, including the last living wizard... his grandfather.
This is a nice set-up of the premise and conflict; I've only made minor word choice changes. You've already established that he doesn't want the magic, so the "wants it or not" is redundant.  
But now his magic is returning--including his gift of foresight. Through it he sees a war between magic users that will wipe all magic from the planet, including the last living wizard... his grandfather.

Somehow he must find a way to stop it. But his foresight is not helpful, and each time he tries to defy the visions it only leads him closer to the wars that plague his mind.

As he searches for answers he discovers the reason he failed the Ordeal. He is a wizard, or at least he can be, if the dragon who guards the wizard tower doesn’t eat him first. If he makes it through he can find the answers he seeks, and stop the wars that are prophesied through his visions. But he must embrace his magic and become a wizard himself.
This can be tighter. 

Somehow he must find a way to stop it. But every effort to defy the visions only leads him closer to the wars that plague his mind. In his search he discovers the reason he failed the Ordeal. He can still become a wizard... if the dragon who guards the wizard tower doesn’t eat him first. He needs to find some answers and stop the wars that are prophesied through his visions--but that means he'll have to embrace his magic and become a wizard himself. 

Great. More magic. Just what he didn’t want.

DARK VISIONS is a fantasy novel completed at 101,000 words.
If you have relevant bio info, please add it here (the odds of your own grandfather being a wizard a low, but it never hurts to ask).  

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


XXX XXXX

Nice sense of voice; I want to read more! I think you'll get requests for pages with this.

Query Critique #15

Query #15- Jeanne

Dear Ms. Agent,

Didymus of Tiberias is a successful caravan driver in Galilee who has created a new life and new identity for himself until his closest friend, Nathaniel, exposes his criminal past.

Didymus wants to forget his father sold him into slavery for the price of a broken donkey and a few coins. He wants to erase his memories of murdering his abusive master to escape to freedom. But when his fellow former slave and co-conspirator, Nathaniel, acknowledges he's confessed their crimes to a man named Jesus of Nazareth, Didymus fears he will lose everything he has so carefully crafted. If Jesus turns him in to the Roman authorities, he faces arrest and crucifixion. He will do anything--even kill again--to prevent that gruesome fate.

Using his caravan as a cover, Didymus pursues Nathaniel and Jesus from Capernaum to Jerusalem. But he never expects to fall in love with Tabitha, a former leper who has been healed by Jesus. He knows her first loyalty is to Jesus. He longs to make her his wife, but he doesn't know if he can trust her with his secrets. If she betrays him as well, it could cost him his life.

Complete at 95,000 words, THE BLOOD OF A STONE (historical fiction) was long-listed for the 2010 Santa Fe Writers Project.

I hold an MFA in Writing from Vermont College of Fine Arts and am the recipient of a creative writing fellowship from the Arizona Commission on the Arts. My short story, "First Flight," was a literary fiction finalist in the Writer's Digest Writing Competition. Other short pieces have been published in print and online.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, 

XXX XXXX

Wow! Your education shows, Jeanne. Your query is so polished I have nothing to add or change. Really. 

My only question is about how close you've kept your historical details to the New Testament accounts. If it's Biblically "kosher" (if you'll pardon the mix of OT and NT traditions), you might consider marketing it through the Christian agents and publishers (a la Left Behind).  If you've gotten creative with the Jesus portions of the story, though, you'll have better luck with the secular agents and publishers (a la Da Vinci Code). Either way, you're one to watch.  :)

Query Critique #14

Query #14 - Mai

Dear Ms. Agent,

For London Howell, it's hard enough just being sixteen without also worrying about an indifferent uncle and a dad who doesn't recognize his own son some days. London just wants to keep his head down and get by, a simple desire made impossible when a strange girl appears and claims he 'created' her. Whatever that's supposed to mean.
This first sentence doesn't work as a hook. Start with the strange girl and her "claim" (double quotes) that London created her.  If she has a name at this point of the story, use it in the query. BTW, I think the dad should be mentioned before the uncle (as his parent, his shortcomings should hurt more). Also, avoid clichés like "keep his head down." I made an assumption about why the uncle matters here--please correct me if I'm wrong. 
Sixteen-year-old London Howell doesn't know what to do when a strange girl appears and claims he "created" her. It's not like he has anyone he can ask--his dad usually doesn't even recognize him and his uncle's an indifferent guardian.

His plan to dump her off with the police gets derailed when he learns he's drawn the attention of the House of Dering, the family that rules over the city's mages. The measure of a mage's power lies in his soul--power which can be ripped free and exploited--and they think London's got one hell of a repository. They want him to find a Sieve to siphon his magic, but seeing as the family's got enough secrets to fill the Thames, London's pretty sure their intentions are less than benevolent.
This section really works for me.  It sets up the conflict well, gives a nice hint of your narrative voice, and frames the setting in a magical London (although having the setting and the person have the same name might be a problem--unless there's a plot-based reason).

Then his dad goes missing. With demons whispering in his ears, nightwalkers dropping him into shadows and the House of Dering on his back, London has no idea whom to trust. But he will make or break whatever alliances necessary to find his dad, even at the cost of his soul.

I like everything about this set-up except the first sentence and the cliché "on his back." Consider putting the "dad goes missing" at the end of the previous paragraph. 

His plan to dump her off with the police gets derailed when he learns he's drawn the attention of the House of Dering, the family that rules over the city's mages. The measure of a mage's power lies in his soul--power which can be ripped free and exploited--and they think London's got one hell of a repository. They want him to find a Sieve to siphon his magic, but seeing as the family's got enough secrets to fill the Thames, London's pretty sure their intentions are less than benevolent--especially once his dad goes missing. 

With demons whispering in his ears, nightwalkers dropping him into shadows and the House of Dering coveting his untapped magic, London has no idea whom to trust. But he will make or break whatever alliances necessary to find his dad, even at the cost of his soul. 

SOUL SIFTER is a YA urban fantasy at about 86,000 words. This is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, 

XXX XXXX

Very interesting.  I'd ask for pages.

Query Critique #13

Query #13 - jennamattison

Dear Ms. Agent,

When Liza Radley realizes it’s cheatin’ season and no self-respecting detective’s gonna spy on her husband for the $800 and change she has hidden in a plastic soap dish, she does what any normal transplanted Georgia Peach would do--she becomes a private eye.
I like the sense of voice here, but I'd tighten it up a bit. 
When Liza Radley realizes no self-respecting detective’s gonna spy on her cheatin’ husband for the $800 she has hidden in a plastic soap dish, she does what any normal transplanted Georgia Peach would do--she becomes a private eye.

While downing her fourth maple glazed curbside, Liza discovers “Eye Spy” , a shop for the self-motivated sleuth in the heart of Boston Common. Inspiration strikes and she enters the world of Jack Parella, the cocky yet sexy owner/operator who talks like Humphrey Bogart but with a Southie accent and is more than willing to train Liza in the ways of amateur sleuthing, while simultaneously infuriating and titillating her. Though Liza starts the journey intending to rebuild her crumbling suburban life, she finds herself thrust into a fiery mystery as head of "Crimes of the Heart Detective Agency" with Parella by her side. Thus our dynamic duo is primed for their next adventure, which I am currently writing.
I made a punctuation fix (commas, periods, etc. go inside the quotes), and I wanted to suggest to everyone that you turn off "smart" quotes on your MS and query files, since their intelligence is overrated and they don't always transfer properly to HTML or e-books.  Even if *you* see them correctly on the screen, they may end up replaced with random punctuation at the other end (see my earlier comment on em-dashes, as well). I took out "Common" after Boston, since the Boston Common is a park (no shops), not a district. I also tightened the wording here, as well. I removed the "while simultaneously..." bit, since the "cocky yet sexy" assessment made it redundant.

While downing her fourth maple glazed curbside, Liza discovers "Eye Spy," a shop for the self-motivated sleuth in the heart of Boston. She enters the world of Jack Parella, the cocky yet sexy owner/operator who talks like Humphrey Bogart with a Southie accent and is more than willing to train Liza in the ways of amateur sleuthing. Though Liza starts the journey intending to rebuild her crumbling suburban life, she finds herself thrust into a fiery mystery as head of "Crimes of the Heart Detective Agency" with Parella by her side. 

I'd like another sentence or three about this "fiery mystery." while you've given a strong sense of the opening premise and the characters--and your narrative voice shines through well--I'm left without much sense of the plot or conflict. I also recommend not mentioning the sequels-in-progress; that can be part of a later conversation. 

EYE SPY is a 74,000 word women’s mystery. Though it is my first novel, I have written several feature films and have been reviewed as having “an ear for how women talk”; I also won a best screenplay award for my first film available on DVD, “Fish Without a Bicycle”. My second feature “The Third Wish” released by the Hallmark Channel, was called “ A delightfully frothy confection fairytale”. My latest project “For The Love of Money” is currently shooting in Los Angeles.

I can send the full manuscript if you like.
Double-check your sub-genres.  Would this qualify as a "cozy" mystery? Would you consider it a "chick-lit" mystery? I'd cut the review comments (they're awesome, but they seem too much for this).  Play up the commercial successes you've had as a writer--the movie credits are wonderfully impressive! 

EYE SPY is a 74,000 word (subgenre) mystery. I have written several feature films and won a Best Screenplay award for my film, "Fish Without a Bicycle." My second feature, "The Third Wish," was released by the Hallmark Channel, and my latest project, "For The Love of Money" is currently shooting in Los Angeles. 

I can send the full manuscript if you like.
Consider "Thank you for your time." or "Please let me know if you'd like to see more." Often the next step isn't a full request, but a partial request (the first 20-50 pages). 

Sincerely, 

XXX XXXX

Query Critique #12

Query #12 - kdos

Dear Ms. Agent, 

Kate Dalton always thought Jake Bailey was her boomerang love – the person who was meant to be because they came back when you set them free. So what if he left and came back over and over again? Kate knew one day the timing would be right and they would be together.
I like the way this sets up the dynamic between Kate and Jake. I have a few word choice suggestions to keep it in third person and avoid rhetorical questions. Normally queries are in simple present tense, but this one might work better in simple past, since you're weaving two timelines. It's a tough call, though--should you put it all in past or all in present--or one of each?

Kate Dalton always thought Jake Bailey was her boomerang love--the person she was meant to be with because he came back when she set him free. So even though he left and returned over and over again, Kate knew one day the timing would be right and they would be together.

Although she’d had a lot of practice at saying goodbye to Jake in the past, this time was different. As she watches Jake fight for his life, she faces letting him go forever. And not just because he might not make it, but because she’s trying to reconcile the love she’s always felt for him with the nagging questions about why they can’t ever seem to make their relationship work.
I want more info here about Jake's fight for life. Does he have an illness like cancer?  Has he been in an accident? I recommend giving a word or two to let the reader know--it helps connect us to the story. I've also put this into present tense.

Although she’s had a lot of practice at saying goodbye to Jake in the past, this time is different. As she watches Jake fight for his life, she faces letting him go forever. And not just because he might not make it, but because she’s trying to reconcile the love she’s always felt for him with the nagging questions about why they can’t ever seem to make their relationship work.

A dual narrative follows Kate as she meets and falls in love with Jake eight years prior and goes through the frustration of all their starts and stops. As the storylines merge, Kate is confronted with choosing between Jake and Charlie Tucker, her childhood best friend. When Charlie moves back to town and surprises her with a kiss one night, her schoolgirl crush on him comes flooding back to the surface. Instead of being excited at the prospect of moving on, however, Kate is terrified that letting Charlie into her life means leaving Jake behind forever.
This is a challenge--often the mix of past and present don't work.  However, if you've pulled it off, it could be FANTASTIC. I suspect that agents will ask for pages with an eye for whether you make this dual narrative work. I wouldn't change a word of this paragraph.

BACK TO ME is women’s fiction and is completed at 80,000 words.

"Is complete" is how it's usually phrased. 

BACK TO ME is women’s fiction and is complete at 80,000 words.

I lead a double-life as an attorney and sports analyst. My nonfiction book, Balancing Baseball: How Collective Bargaining Has Changed the Major Leagues is due out with noted sports publisher McFarland & Company in early 2011. I also write for Forbes in their SportsMoney section, and have been published by a leading national legal journal, an online magazine and a number of news outlets and blogs for my work on collective bargaining and other legal issues in sports. I make weekly television appearances with Comcast Sports Southeast and maintain a blog for their website. In addition, I maintain a blog where I write fictional characters who are not a part of any of my current works-in-progress (www.bluejeansandpearls.com).
No changes--great bio!

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours truly,

Kristi XXXX

Kristi, I think you're going to get a lot of positive responses with this query. Well done!

Query Critique #11

Query #11 - Zooks

Dear Ms. Agent,

DEATH AT THE DRIVE-IN is a slice of Billie Jenkins’ life. When she loses the lease on her Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre, Billie’s tempted to go into her usual shut-down mode. Like she did two years ago when, out of loneliness, she invented a son. Without income and a cast and crew depending on her, Billie must find a new theatre and write a new hit play that won’t require expensive sets and costumes, or she risks losing her beloved log cabin and defaulting on her student loans.
The "slice of life" comment doesn't add anything to the query; I recommend cutting it.  Try to put so much "punch" into the first sentence or two that the reader can't stop reading. "Shut-down" doesn't really seem like the right term for inventing a son--as a psychologist, I have to say we have a few "stronger" terms for it. The "student loans" thing throws me on her age--it makes her seem like she's in her 20s, although I surmised from the "decades since she dated" mention below that she's much older. 

When Billie Jenkins loses the lease on her Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre, she’s tempted to escape reality for a while, like she did a few years ago when, out of loneliness, she invented a son. With a cast and crew depending on her, Billie must find a new theatre and write a new hit play that won’t require expensive sets and costumes, or she risks losing her beloved log cabin.

An amateur sleuth, Billie’s frustrated when the cops refuse her help in solving a local murder. One mention of her psychic visions and they scurry, but when a body from a cold case appears in her backyard, they’re all ears. In all this turmoil, Billie realizes her accountant, Emmett, is sweet on her. She’d like to let him know the feeling’s mutual but doesn’t remember how; it’s been decades since she dated.

Since you mention that there's a "local" murder, this might be a good place to establish the setting (e.g., rural North Whateverstate). Avoid clichés like "they're all ears." I feel like this paragraph is a bit unfocused--it's like you're simply listing the different aspects of the story, rather than weaving them together. 

After a local murder, the cops refuse to take Billie's psychic visions seriously--until a body from a cold case appears in her backyard. And when her newly-widowed sister arrives, Billie suspects her of killing her husband. In all this turmoil, Billie realizes her accountant, Emmett, is sweet on her. She’d like to let him know the feeling’s mutual but doesn’t remember how; it’s been decades since she dated.

Just when Billie thinks she’s getting her life under control, the death toll mounts when her newly widowed sister arrives. In touch with her inner detective, Billie knows something’s fishy when her sister reveals she scattered her husband’s ashes before the funeral. When Billie suspects her sister of murder, her need to solve the mystery intensifies.
Cut clichés like "getting her life under control," "the death toll mounts," and "something's fishy." I moved the part with the sister up to the previous paragraph--let's keep all of the dead bodies in one place.   

A number of my short stories (or excerpts of other novels I’ve written) have been published, and a humorous play I wrote was recently produced. Am a member of SCBWI. I was recently a guest on LTV’s The Play is the Thing and discussed my various writing projects.

Make this more specific. Name the magazines or anthologies you've been published (just the magazine/book names, not the dates or the short story names), so the agent can go and find the pieces if s/he chooses.

My short stories have been published in XXX, YYY, and ZZZ, and the ABC Theatre company produced my play, NAME OF THE PLAY, in the summer of 2010. I am a member of SCBWI, and I was recently a guest on LTV’s The Play is the Thing. 

DEATH AT THE DRIVE-IN is 56,000 words of quirky women’s fiction that I believe will appeal to readers of Carrie Fisher’s writing.
I think you've picked a good comp--this does have a Carrie Fisher-esque feel. But my biggest concern is that, at 56K, this is novella length, not novel length, which means that many agents won't be interested. Most chick-lit is in the 80,000-110,000 word ballpark.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

XXX XXXX